SEPTEMBER 1, 1937

Full News Archive

• Headline: Final Play at Suffern's County Theatre. Impact: The last performance of 'Worse Things Happen at Sea' led to an unforeseen increase in therapy sessions for those who attended, as they suddenly realized their lives were not as tragic compared to the play. This sparked a booming self-help industry that persists to this day. Fact: This play was so impactful, it made audiences question if life jackets were a good investment.
• Headline: Exploring the Issues of 1937. Impact: This collection of topics became the blueprint for all future discussions about absolutely nothing, leading to the 24-hour news cycle we now endure, where each topic is dissected like a frog in a high school biology class. Fact: The phrase 'Topics of The Times' was later used by countless newspapers as they struggled to fill space with anything remotely useful.
• Headline: Remembering Mrs. E. N. W. Huntington. Impact: Mrs. E.N.W. Huntington's 97 years of existence paved the way for future longevity awards, which ironically became the new gold standard for how many candles you should blow out before the cake gets set on fire. Fact: At 97, Mrs. Huntington was just three years shy of being the oldest person to complain about the youth of today.
• Headline: THE CONSTITUTION MONTH. Impact: Constitution Month celebrations inadvertently inspired an annual competition on who could recite the most amendments while simultaneously forgetting the original intent of the Constitution. Fact: Celebrating the Constitution every month would have been way too ambitious, so they settled for just one—thank goodness for small mercies!.
• Headline: RESERVE-RATE CUT EXPLAINED BY BANK; Excess Funds of Institutions Here in August Equaled Only 2% of Reserve Minimums. Impact: The reserve-rate cut triggered a chain reaction that eventually led to banks developing a love-hate relationship with excess funds, resulting in countless awkward conversations in boardrooms across the nation. Fact: Banks have always loved excess funds—it's like their version of hoarding, but with less guilt.
• Headline: FILM HEADS REJECT ROLE OF EDUCATORS; Spokesmen at Human Relations institute Say They Will Stick to Entertainment. Impact: The decision by film heads to avoid education in favor of entertainment led to an explosion in reality TV, where the only thing you learn is how not to live your life. Fact: If only film heads knew ‘educational entertainment’ was just a fancy way to mix fun with learning—like putting chocolate syrup on broccoli.
• Headline: COGNIZANCE FOR THE BICYCLE. Impact: The introduction of new bicycle regulations somehow led to the invention of elaborate bike lanes, which became the new battleground for cyclists and motorists alike, causing chaos and confusion for all involved. Fact: Bicycles were once considered a mode of transport; now they’re just a way to annoy drivers while pretending to be eco-conscious.
• Headline: BOOKS OF THE TIMES; Silver and Sapphires. Impact: The release of 'Silver and Sapphires' foreshadowed a future where the publishing industry would have to continually up its game to keep readers from falling asleep mid-page. Fact: The title alone was enough to sell at least 100 copies before anyone realized the book was about neither silver nor sapphires.