AUGUST 6, 1937

Full News Archive

• Headline: Remembering Louis D. Kilgus. Impact: If Kilgus hadn't been such a dedicated National Guardsman, who knows? Perhaps East Orange would have been taken over by rogue squirrels long before they learned to wield tiny hammers.. Fact: Did you know that being a contractor in the National Guard is basically like being a superhero, but with fewer capes and more safety regulations?.
• Headline: Exploring Salt-and-Spinster Sagas. Impact: This headline led to a renaissance of quirky romantic novels, where lonely women with a penchant for sodium chloride became the unsung heroines. The future would be filled with salty tears and over-seasoned love stories.. Fact: Fun fact: Salt used to be so valuable that it was considered currency. So basically, these spinster sagas were once worth their weight in gold… or at least, in table salt..
• Headline: The Legacy of James V. Watson. Impact: James V. Watson's legacy became a series of conspiracy theories that he might have discovered the meaning of life, but decided to keep it a secret to avoid all the existential crises.. Fact: You might think James V. Watson is just another name in history, but it turns out he had a remarkable knack for being just vague enough to keep historians guessing..
• Headline: Wood, Field and Stream; Animal Dazed by Lights. Impact: This incident sparked a global initiative to ensure wildlife was safe from flashing lights, leading to the creation of the first animal-based rave parties—because who doesn’t want to see deer dancing under disco balls?. Fact: Did you know that animals can be just as confused by bright lights as humans are by the plot of 'Inception'? It's a universal phenomenon!.
• Headline: SAN ROMANI TAKES MILE RUN IN 4:08.4; But He Misses World Record Through Stopping at 1,500Meter Mark in Stockholm. Impact: Had San Romani completed the race, he would have inspired a generation of runners to stop at the 1,500 meter mark, forever altering the landscape of competitive running. 'Why run a full mile when you can just, you know, stop?' became the new philosophy.. Fact: Did you know that running is essentially just an awkward, fast-paced walk? So really, San Romani was just doing what any sensible person would do when faced with the prospect of running a mile..
• Headline: Haile Selassie Cancels Publication of Memoirs. Impact: By canceling his memoirs, Selassie inadvertently led to a surge in speculative fiction about his life, resulting in more 'what-if' scenarios than a 'Back to the Future' marathon.. Fact: Haile Selassie, the Emperor of Ethiopia, could have shared some wild stories. But instead, he chose to keep us all guessing. Thanks a lot, Haile!.
• Headline: QUESTIONS REPORT OF FURNITURE DROP; T. R. Murtaugh Says 28% Dip in Case Goods Volume Does Not Hold Here. Impact: This headline led to a furniture revolution where people began questioning the reliability of their sofas, leading to a national debate on the emotional support of chairs. Because who needs therapy when you can just have a sturdier couch?. Fact: Did you know that furniture sales reports are basically the stock market for your living room? So if you’re sitting on a couch from last season, you might as well be investing in a dinosaur!.
• Headline: Bulgaria Sets Up Consulate. Impact: This consulate became the diplomatic equivalent of a ‘Welcome Mat’ in the international arena, leading to a bizarre yet friendly rivalry between Bulgaria and the neighboring country over who could serve better coffee.. Fact: Consulates are like embassies' cooler cousins—they're there to make international relations a little less formal and a lot more caffeinated!.
• Headline: TRUSTEES DOUBLE ROCKEFELLER FEES; Two of Original Executors Received $1,200,000 Each, Estate Accounting Shows. Impact: The doubling of fees set a precedent for all future trust fund beneficiaries, leading to a new financial strategy: 'If it worked for the Rockefellers, why not for my questionable investments in Beanie Babies?'. Fact: Rockefeller's estate fees doubled, but the question remains: did they double the amount of money he had to hide from the tax man? Spoiler alert: probably..