JULY 30, 1937

Full News Archive

• Headline: Remembering Sir George Noble's Legacy. Impact: Sir George's passing triggered a series of unremarkable events that eventually led to the invention of the modern golf ball. Without him, who knows how long it would have taken for people to realize they could smash small objects without consequence?. Fact: Did you know that Sir George was so good at sports, he almost made it onto a box of cereal? Alas, his athletic prowess was overshadowed by less interesting figures..
• Headline: The Puckette-Raff Collaboration. Impact: This mysterious headline sparked a worldwide obsession with hyphenated names, resulting in countless people trying to out-combine their surnames—leading to the tragic rise of absurd celebrity couple names.. Fact: Puckette and Raff were actually the original inspiration for the dynamic duo in a long-lost comic strip. Spoiler: it didn't catch on..
• Headline: Transportation Inquiry from 1937. Impact: This nondescript inquiry on transportation paved the way for endless debates over public transit that still haunt us today. If only they had just invented teleportation instead.. Fact: Fun fact: 'Topics of The Times' was the original title for every boring essay ever written in high school..
• Headline: KINGS REPUBLICANS BALK AT LA GUARDIA; Endorsement Withheld After Stormy Session - Action Left to Districts. Impact: This political drama was the precursor to countless local mayoral debates, proving yet again that politics is just a never-ending game of 'who can throw the biggest tantrum.'. Fact: La Guardia was known for his fiery speeches, which often made more sense than the actual decisions made in these stormy sessions. Go figure..
• Headline: STOCK EXCHANGE NOTES. Impact: The reduction in stock prices not only triggered panic among investors but also led to the invention of the phrase 'buy low, sell high,' which is now the motto of every financially clueless person.. Fact: Stock exchanges were originally places where people just yelled a lot. Some say it’s still like that, only with more suits..
• Headline: DR. WALTER EVERETT, EDUCATOR AT BROWN; Emeritus Professor, Lecturer and Writer Is Stricken in Berkeley, Calif.. Impact: Dr. Everett's contributions to education inspired generations of students, leading to a ripple effect of scholars who would go on to invent things like the internet—because who doesn’t need cat videos?. Fact: Emeritus sounds fancy, but it actually just means 'not quite retired, but definitely not doing as much.'.
• Headline: Morrison Tennis Winner. Impact: This tennis victory led to the unnecessary rise of tennis clubs everywhere, where players would argue over whether to call it 'love' or 'nothing.'. Fact: Tennis used to be played with bare hands. Yes, that’s right, the original players were just really eager to slap balls around..
• Headline: WILSON MAINTAINS NONPARTISAN ROLE; Philadelphia Mayor, Expected to Run for Governor, Refuses to Make 'Political Deals'. Impact: This decision created a brief illusion of integrity in politics before everyone went back to their regularly scheduled backroom deals—because who doesn’t love a good plot twist?. Fact: The phrase 'nonpartisan' is just politician-speak for 'I want to play both sides until I figure out who's winning.'.
• Headline: 25 Killed, 50 Injured in Wreck of Express Near Paris; Faulty Switching Is Blamed. Impact: This tragedy led to a massive overhaul of train safety regulations in Europe, reminding everyone that safety is only a priority after things go spectacularly wrong.. Fact: Train wrecks have a way of making people rethink their travel plans. Imagine the panic when someone suggested rollerblading instead!.
• Headline: MOLENDA BACK AS COACH; Signs for Year With Pro Giants--Dodgers Get College Stars. Impact: Molenda's return to coaching sparked a bizarre trend of ex-players becoming coaches, leading to a reality show where former athletes try to teach kids how to 'be better' while barely knowing themselves.. Fact: Molenda’s coaching style is rumored to involve more yelling than actual strategy, which is basically how all sports coaching works, right?.