JUNE 7, 1937

Full News Archive

• Headline: Ordination Ceremony at Mt. St. Mary's. Impact: This event set off a chain of ordinations that ultimately led to a global shortage of holy water. Who knew two guys in robes could affect the supply chain of the sacrosanct?. Fact: Did you know that the first-ever ordained priest was actually a part-time barista? Talk about brewing up a miracle!.
• Headline: Congregations Survey Rabbis’ Opinions. Impact: This canvass inspired a well-intentioned but ultimately pointless survey that went viral and caused a global crisis in rabbinical opinions. Who knew debates over gefilte fish could escalate so quickly?. Fact: Spoiler alert: The majority of rabbis prefer their bagels toasted, and yes, this has caused more family feuds than you can imagine..
• Headline: L.I.U. Commencement Ceremony 1937. Impact: The distribution of these diplomas created a ripple that led to a generation of overqualified baristas who could expertly discuss Shakespeare while frothing your latte.. Fact: Only 5% of those graduates would use their degree in the field they studied. The rest? Professional social media scrollers!.
• Headline: STRIKE IN BRONX WIDENS; 1,000 More Beauty Shop Workers Ordered to Walk Out. Impact: The strike sparked a nationwide movement for better haircuts, leading to the invention of the 'no-wash' hairstyle that would eventually confuse generations.. Fact: Fun fact: The Bronx beauty shop workers were actually the first to invent the 'selfie'—they just called it 'the mirror check'..
• Headline: COUPLE WED 60 YEARS; Husband, 88, and Wife, 79, Mark Anniversary With Dinner. Impact: Their enduring love story inspired countless rom-coms, all of which failed to capture the reality that most of their conversations revolved around who forgot to turn off the stove.. Fact: In their 60 years together, they managed to argue over the correct way to pronounce 'quinoa' at least 100 times..
• Headline: EQUITABLE TRUST ENDS CAREER TODAY; Acquired From Hayden Estate by the Manufacturers Trust, Which Will Honor Checks. Impact: This acquisition led to a minor financial panic, as people began to wonder if 'equitable' was just a fancy word for 'we're not sure what we're doing.'. Fact: Equitable Trust was initially founded to help people save money, but they quickly pivoted to 'helping people spend it foolishly.'.
• Headline: Study of Christ's Life Is Urged. Impact: This study sparked a wave of amateur theologians who took to the internet to share their hot takes, leading to the creation of several cringe-worthy memes.. Fact: Did you know that some historians argue Christ was actually just trying to start a really intense book club?.
• Headline: MAKES THREE WISHES FOR SKIDMORE CLASS; President Moore Invokes Long Youth, Sane Viewpoint and Constructive Aims. Impact: These wishes inadvertently led to the creation of a reality TV show where college students compete for the title of 'Most Constructive Aim.' Spoiler: It didn't go well.. Fact: The last 'sane viewpoint' discussion ended in a heated debate over whether pineapple belongs on pizza. It didn't go well..
• Headline: First' Trolley City Bows to Bus. Impact: The end of trolley service marked the beginning of a long-standing rivalry between trolleys and buses, eventually leading to a reality show called 'Keeping Up with the Commuters.'. Fact: Trolleys were actually the original 'ride shares'—until they realized they couldn’t compete with the price of a bus fare!.
• Headline: BLANSHARD TO GET LAWYER'S DEGREE; Commissioner of Accounts Made Grades at Night Sessions of Brooklyn Law School. Impact: Blanshard’s achievement prompted an influx of night owls to law school, resulting in a sharp increase in the number of lawyers who only work after dark.. Fact: Rumor has it that a night session of law school is just a glorified coffee club where everyone pretends they’re studying 'case law' while sharing memes..