JUNE 4, 1937

Full News Archive

• Headline: Degrees Conferred at Notre Dame College. Impact: Little did they know that the futures of these graduates would lead to a bizarre series of events where one would invent a coffee machine that only brews decaf and another would start a cult devoted to the appreciation of staplers. Fact: Did you know that for every degree conferred, at least three people will still ask you if you're going to get a 'real job'?.
• Headline: Heads Brown Fence Company Election 1937. Impact: The election of this guy as head of a fence company led to a bizarre chain reaction where all fences in America decided they were tired of being taken for granted and started a rebellion. It's a real 'fence-off' situation. Fact: Fun fact: Fences don’t actually have a say in who leads their company, but they do love a good gossip session about who’s been creeping on their side.
• Headline: Oscar Riddle Marries Leona Lewis. Impact: Their wedding sparked a series of events in which every biologist in the area felt inspired to take up romantic endeavors, leading to a decade of awkward lab encounters and love triangles involving petri dishes. Fact: Did you know that the odds of a scientist marrying their lab partner are roughly the same as successfully getting a cat to take a bath? Spoiler alert: it's not great.
• Headline: SPREAD OF NARCOTICS IS LAID TO JAPANESE; Egyptian Charges That 90 Per Cent Are of Nipponese Origin --Tientsin Held 'Weak' Spot. Impact: This accusation set off an international game of 'who can point fingers the best,' which ultimately led to a world summit on narcotics that was just a cover for a really awkward potluck dinner. Fact: Did you know that the term 'narcotics' originally referred to very strong tea? I guess it makes sense that it evolved into something a bit more sinister.
• Headline: 87 TO GET DIPLOMAS AT FIELDSTON SCHOOL; Dr. J. L. Elliott to Speak at Exercises of Upper Ethical Culture Unit. Impact: As these 87 graduates moved on to the world, they unknowingly set off a wave of ethical dilemmas that would leave philosophers scratching their heads for decades. Thanks, guys. Fact: Did you know that graduating from an ethical school doesn't actually guarantee you'll make ethical decisions? Just ask anyone who has ever worked in corporate America.
• Headline: NEW OFFICERS GET NAVY COMMISSIONS; Ensigns and 2d Lieutenants of Marine Corps Throw Off Midshipmen's Caps. Impact: The act of tossing caps led to a nationwide trend of throwing all sorts of hats in celebration, which eventually resulted in the Great Hat Flood of 1952. It was quite the sight. Fact: Did you know that if you throw your hat in the ring, you might just end up with a head injury? Hats can be surprisingly heavy, especially if they’re statuesque.
• Headline: SOVIET HUNTS FOES IN ALL DIRECTIONS; Osoaviakhim, Civilian Defense Corps, Red Army and Most Commissariats Sifted. Impact: The paranoia that ensued from this hunt led to a national obsession with hiding under tables, which somehow became a trend that lasted for decades—thank you, cold war. Fact: Did you know that 'sifting through' your enemies is a terrible strategy for finding good friends? Just ask the Soviet Union.
• Headline: COURT SETTLES STRIKE; Magistrate Brodsky Offers His Services in Restaurant Fight. Impact: This strike settlement opened the floodgates for all future disputes to be solved by magistrates who thought they were also culinary experts. Spoiler: they weren’t. Fact: Did you know that if you settle a restaurant strike, you’re basically just agreeing to eat the food? No one ever said it would be good.
• Headline: INQUIRY INTO MAGAZINE; Sale of Office Fixtures of New York Woman Also Ordered. Impact: The inquiry into this magazine sparked a journalistic revolution where every office fixture was suddenly considered a potential source of breaking news. The stapler community was particularly agitated. Fact: Did you know that magazines are basically just paper time capsules? Each issue contains the hopes, dreams, and questionable fashion choices of a particular era.
• Headline: Pollak--Fink. Impact: This seemingly mundane announcement of a union between Pollak and Fink led to an unexpected rise in double-barrel surnames, causing confusion at every family reunion for generations. Fact: Did you know that hyphenated names were once a sign of aristocracy? Now they just mean you need two name tags at the office party.