MAY 31, 1937

Full News Archive

• Headline: Exciting Summer Art Exhibitions Announced. Impact: The Whitney Museum's summer display led to an art revolution that sparked the infamous 'Paint Wars' of 2042, where art critics clashed over the color palette of the season.. Fact: Did you know that the term 'modern art' was originally used to describe things that were just a little too weird for grandma's living room?.
• Headline: Lyons Predicts Bill Will Pass Despite Veto. Impact: Lyons' prediction about the residence law caused a chain reaction that eventually led to the establishment of a new political party, the 'Veto Busters', who specialized in overturning any law that involved a disagreement.. Fact: In politics, predicting outcomes is like playing darts blindfolded—occasionally you hit the bullseye, but mostly you just hit the wall..
• Headline: LADIES OF G.A.R. HOLD MEMORIAL SERVICE; Eight Civil War Veterans Hear Their Comrades Eulogized at Sherman Monument. Impact: The memorial service for Civil War veterans inadvertently sparked a trend of memorializing increasingly obscure figures in history, leading to the eventual celebration of 'National Potato Day'.. Fact: The GAR (Grand Army of the Republic) was actually founded to support veterans, but it's a shame they didn't have a 'Grand Army of the Romance Novel' for the Civil War-era love stories..
• Headline: ERNEST G. VON ZENGEN. Impact: Ernest G. Von Zengen's mention in the headlines led to an unexpected rise in the popularity of names with 'Z' in them, causing future generations to be bombarded with Zany Zacks and Zealous Zeldas.. Fact: The 'Z' in names is actually an ancient signal to indicate that the person is either extremely cool or just really likes alphabet soup..
• Headline: Pharmacy College Baccalaureate. Impact: The pharmacy college baccalaureate service paved the way for future academic ceremonies where graduates would spend more time planning their outfits than studying for their exams.. Fact: Baccalaureate services are the only events where students pray for their futures while secretly hoping their parents don’t embarrass them with their speeches..
• Headline: Kashdan Downs 21 at Chess. Impact: Kashdan's chess victories led to the rise of chess as a professional sport, resulting in the absurdity of chess players getting endorsement deals for energy drinks and athletic wear.. Fact: Chess: the only sport where you can sweat bullets while sitting down, and your biggest rival is a wooden piece..
• Headline: KEMMLER SERVICES HELD; 75 State Policemen Among 275 at Rites for Troop K Commander. Impact: Captain Kemmler's services were so well attended that they inspired a new reality show, 'Cops & Captains', where state policemen compete in heroic rescue missions.. Fact: The phrase 'heroic rescue' is often just a euphemism for 'they did what anyone with a moral compass would do.'.
• Headline: BRYN MAWR HOLDS GROUND-BREAKING; Ceremonies to Start New Science Building Precede Baccalaureate Services MISS PARK WIELDS SPADE Sermon to Graduating Class Is Delivered by the Head of Wheaton College. Impact: The groundbreaking ceremony at Bryn Mawr sparked a trend of extravagant groundbreakings, eventually leading to the establishment of a national holiday dedicated to 'Groundbreaking Ceremonies'.. Fact: Groundbreaking ceremonies are the only events where the act of digging a hole can be seen as a significant achievement in the eyes of the public..
• Headline: 8 BEATEN ON ROCKS BY SURF TILL SAVED; Coast Guard Rescues Fugitives From Leaking Yacht on Maryland Coast. Impact: The Coast Guard's rescue of the stranded fugitives caused a wave of pirate-themed parties across the nation, leading to a shortage of eye patches and parrot accessories.. Fact: Rescuing people from a sinking yacht is the Coast Guard's way of saying, 'We don't care if you were running from the law, just don't sink my boat while doing it.'.