MAY 13, 1937

Full News Archive

• Headline: J.P. Morgan Misses Royal Ceremony. Impact: Had J.P. Morgan attended the ceremony, he might have accidentally inspired the invention of a new financial instrument based on royal etiquette, leading to a world where investment banks also offer coronation insurance. You're welcome.. Fact: J.P. Morgan once famously said, 'If you have to ask how much it costs, you can’t afford it.' Apparently, he took this advice to heart and skipped the royal obligation instead..
• Headline: Dual Crowns in 1937 Coronation Ceremony. Impact: The switch from St. Edward's Crown to the State Crown might have caused a ripple effect, leading to a centuries-long debate on whether the monarchy had style or just bad taste. Spoiler: it's mostly bad taste.. Fact: The State Crown has been used so many times that it’s practically the Taylor Swift of the royal accessories. Always in the spotlight and definitely overhyped!.
• Headline: Veterans Extend Invitation to Roosevelt. Impact: The invitation to Roosevelt could have led to an alternative timeline where he became a war veteran spokesperson, eventually leading to the establishment of 'Teddy Bear Day' as a national holiday. Because, why not?. Fact: Franklin D. Roosevelt was known for his polio but never let it stop him from being a force of nature. Imagine if he had a bear named after him, too!.
• Headline: HEARING ON SILVER MINE; SEC to Investigate Statement of Company Headed by C. H. Sabin Jr.. Impact: The SEC's investigation may have led to a future where silver mines were viewed as the next Bitcoin, causing a silver rush that left everyone confused about currency and mining. Who needs logic when you have shiny things?. Fact: If the SEC investigated every company that made dubious statements, they’d need to hire half the population of Wall Street. Just sayin’..
• Headline: Writ Denied in Trucking Racket. Impact: The denial of the habeas corpus writ might have inadvertently led to a legal loophole that allowed truckers to form a union based on their shared grievances about paperwork. Because nothing says 'freedom' like a lot of bureaucracy.. Fact: Habeas corpus is Latin for 'you shall have the body.' Which is a tad dramatic for something that just means 'let’s not lock you up without a good reason.'.
• Headline: Military From All Parts of the British Empire Give Color to Long Procession; PEERESS DESCRIBES ABBEY CEREMONIES. Impact: The military procession's colorful display could have inspired future parades to include more extravagant costumes, leading to a series of competitions for the most over-the-top military attire. Think Oscars, but with more camouflage.. Fact: The British Empire's military parades have always had a flair for the dramatic. Who knew weapons could be accessorized so well?.
• Headline: DENOUNCES SPANISH 'LEFT'; Jesuit Educator Urges United Front for Insurgents. Impact: The call for a united front for Spanish insurgents might have led to a future where insurgent movements took on a corporate-like branding, complete with logos and taglines. 'Join us – We're Insurgent and Proud!'. Fact: The Spanish Civil War was such a chaotic time that calling for unity felt about as effective as organizing a group project in college. Good luck with that!.
• Headline: BRITISH DAUGHTERS GIVE LUNCHEON HERE; 500 at Coronation Observance of Organization--Hear Speech by Sir Gerald Campbell. Impact: The luncheon of the British Daughters could have inadvertently started a trend of women’s organizations hosting increasingly extravagant events, leading to the eventual creation of the 'Gala of the Overly Decorated Tablecloths'.. Fact: The British Daughters’ luncheons are like the original 'brunch' – minus the mimosas and with a lot more pomp. Cheers to that!.
• Headline: CHARGE-NOTFOUGHT BY 7 RAYON MAKERS; Federal Trade Commission Concludes Three Years of Conspiracy Hearings. Impact: The FTC's conclusion on the rayon makers might have set the stage for future corporations to think twice before conspiring, leading to an era where price-fixing became a game of Monopoly instead of actual business strategy.. Fact: Rayon is actually a fabric made from wood pulp, which means that if these guys were caught fixing prices, it was literally a tree-hugging scandal..