MAY 11, 1937

Full News Archive

• Headline: Ira Fox Sentenced for Art Fraud. Impact: Ira Fox's conviction led to a dramatic decline in the underground art trade, resulting in a butterfly effect where artists began to create less controversial pieces, forever altering the trajectory of modern art towards the mundane and safe.. Fact: Turns out, receiving prints can land you in jail, but receiving unsolicited advice from your in-laws is still totally free..
• Headline: Court Orders Payment to Superintendent Pink. Impact: This ruling sparked a frenzy of financial accountability, inspiring a new generation of accountants who would forever question if they could trust their 'trust' companies—leading to the creation of the phrase 'trust but verify.'. Fact: In a shocking twist, people actually thought the Title Guarantee and Trust Co. was a legitimate business and not just a really boring game of Monopoly..
• Headline: Busmen Bar Truce Amidst London Unrest. Impact: The fear of a transport strike during the coronation led to the invention of the iconic London double-decker bus, which has since become a symbol of British stubbornness and the refusal to walk anywhere.. Fact: It's funny how everyone panicked about a bus strike while the real tragedy was the number of people who would still insist on using umbrellas in the sun..
• Headline: KAISER SENDS SYMPATHY; But Tells Zeppelin Works Airship Building Must Go On. Impact: This sympathy note inadvertently encouraged further airship development, ultimately leading to the Hindenburg disaster that would redefine safety regulations for air travel—because who doesn't love a good fireball in the sky?. Fact: Sympathy from a Kaiser is like getting a rain check from a weather forecast—it's polite, but ultimately, you're still getting wet..
• Headline: 2 NEW VISCOUNTS LONG IN PUBLIC LIFE; But the Conservative Horne and the Liberal Samuel Are Divergent Characters. Impact: The elevation of these viscounts accidentally set off a series of aristocratic rivalries that would lead to the invention of political satire, as cartoonists desperately sought to make sense of the absurdity of the British peerage.. Fact: It's great that we have new viscounts, but can we get a 'viscount' that actually understands the common folk? Asking for a friend..
• Headline: PUERTO RICO LISTS FARMS; Island's Total of 52,790 Is Valued at $156,278,450. Impact: The economic report led to a surge in interest in Puerto Rican agriculture, inspiring the future generation to believe that 'farm-to-table' meant the same as 'farm-to-Instagram.'. Fact: Who knew that 52,790 farms could fit into a tiny island? That’s a lot of 'farmers' markets' fighting for attention on a Saturday morning!.
• Headline: ADVANCED CULTURE FOUND IN IRAQ CITY; U. of P. Excavators Uncover Landscape Paintings, Musical Instruments at Tepe Gawra. Impact: The discovery of advanced culture led to a renaissance of interest in Mesopotamian history, influencing everything from art to the modern concept of civilization—proving that humans really are just one excavation away from a new hobby.. Fact: Ancient Iraq had musical instruments? Just imagine the original 'American Idol' auditions happening thousands of years ago!.
• Headline: TROTSKVISTS' HAND SEEN IN BARCELONA; P. O. U. M., Forced Out of Regime Last Winter, Is Held to Have Incited Revolters. Impact: The accusation against the Trotskyists in Barcelona caused a ripple effect in leftist movements, leading to more dramatic murals—and a lot of hipsters claiming they were ahead of the curve on revolutionary art.. Fact: Accusing Trotskyists of inciting revolt is basically the 1930s version of saying your roommate stole your avocado toast..
• Headline: A FLAMING CANADA TO HAIL CROWNING; Beacon Fires, Lighted at Dusk, to Gird the Continent in Celebration Tomorrow. Impact: The beacon fires ignited a tradition of over-the-top celebrations that would eventually lead to the invention of fireworks, which are now exclusively used for weddings, New Year’s, and scaring away your neighbors’ cats.. Fact: Nothing says 'we're happy for you' like setting a few trees on fire and hoping nobody calls the fire department..
• Headline: BERRY SWORN IN SENATE; Labor Leader Soon Quits Chamber After Congratulations by Members. Impact: Berry's brief tenure in the Senate prompted a collective sigh of relief from constituents, proving that sometimes, leaving is the best form of representation.. Fact: He quit right after accepting congratulations; I guess he realized that 'labor leader' was just a fancy way of saying 'I’m totally unqualified for this job.'.