MAY 8, 1937

Full News Archive

• Headline: Federal Subsidies Threaten Academic Freedom. Impact: If only Ruthven had known that years later, schools would be fighting over who gets to teach what, leading to debates about evolution, climate change, and whether or not pineapple belongs on pizza. Thanks, subsidies!. Fact: Did you know that political control in education is about as effective as using a sieve to carry water? Spoiler: it doesn’t work..
• Headline: Hugh Glazebrook: Notable English Portrait Artist. Impact: Glazebrook's portraits may have immortalized the faces of the elite, but ironically, his death led to a sudden spike in the number of 'selfie artists' trying to make a quick buck off Instagram fame.. Fact: Interestingly, Glazebrook's works are now hanging in galleries while the influencers of today are still trying to figure out how to pose without looking like they're about to fall over..
• Headline: City Beer Tax Ruling Impacts Prices. Impact: This epic battle over beer taxes surely laid the groundwork for future generations to come together over a pint, leading to the invention of 'happy hour' and the glorious tradition of day-drinking.. Fact: Pro tip: If you think your meal is too expensive, just remember that it could include a complimentary side of taxation. Cheers!.
• Headline: TAMMANY MEN LEAVE DECISION TO DOOLING; Half the District Leaders Defer to Him on Issue of His Health and Fitness to Continue. Impact: Dooling's health decisions eventually inspired a reality TV show where political leaders compete in obstacle courses to prove their fitness. Spoiler alert: it’s just a lot of sitting around and making phone calls.. Fact: Isn’t it comforting to know that political leaders often defer to one another like kids deciding who gets the last cookie? Decision-making at its finest!.
• Headline: RITES FOR W. A. BORING; Educators Attend the Funeral at Columbia Chapel. Impact: Boring’s passing reminds us of the countless educators who laid the groundwork for future generations, leaving behind a legacy that’s anything but boring in the grand scheme of history.. Fact: Funerals: the only place where you can hear 'Let’s gather to celebrate a life' while secretly wondering who gets the last slice of cake..
• Headline: CITY TRANSIT FIELD INVADED BY C. I. O.; Transport Union Breaks From A. F. of L. in First Step by Lewis Forces Here. Impact: This monumental schism in labor unions paved the way for endless debates on public transport, ultimately leading to that one guy in the back of the bus who just can't stop complaining.. Fact: The only thing more complicated than labor union politics is trying to figure out why your bus is late. Spoiler: it’s never on time..
• Headline: WENNER HURLS 1-HIT GAME; Wins for East Stroudsburg From Upsala by 9 to 2. Impact: Wenner's performance inspired countless aspiring athletes to believe they, too, could achieve greatness—if only they could master the art of throwing a ball and avoiding the local fast food drive-thru.. Fact: One-hit games: the sport equivalent of a mic drop, except with fewer people clapping and more fans wondering where their nachos went..
• Headline: JAMAICA RACING CHART; Churchill Downs Entries. Impact: This racing chart not only influenced the betting habits of countless spectators but also set the stage for awkward conversations about odds at family gatherings for generations to come.. Fact: Horse racing: the only sport where you can lose all your money while simultaneously cheering for a four-legged creature to outrun its friends..
• Headline: McGaughey to Help Mylin. Impact: Little did they know, McGaughey's appointment would lead to a coaching tree that would inspire the next generation of coaches—who still won’t know how to fix a broken water cooler.. Fact: Coaching: the art of yelling at people while simultaneously trying to remember where you left your clipboard. Good luck, McGaughey!.
• Headline: Sports Today; BASEBALL. Impact: This innocuous headline is actually the start of a long love affair between Americans and baseball, which would eventually lead to the rise of fantasy leagues and heated debates about the designated hitter.. Fact: Baseball: the only sport that encourages you to sit for three hours while consuming hot dogs and pretending you know what 'swinging for the fences' really means..