APRIL 22, 1937

Full News Archive

• Headline: Panama Upset Over Swing High, Swing Low. Impact: This film's release sparked a chain reaction, leading to the first-ever international film festival dedicated solely to movies that offend nations. This eventually resulted in the birth of the 'Apologetic Cinema' genre where directors make films with disclaimers attached.. Fact: Swing High, Swing Low? More like Swing High, Swing Out of Panama! Because nothing says cultural appreciation like a poorly received film..
• Headline: Directors Elected for Traffic Clubs. Impact: The selection of directors led to a series of increasingly bizarre club meetings where directors tried to outdo each other with the most ridiculous traffic laws, ultimately culminating in the invention of the roundabout.. Fact: Because nothing says efficiency like a group of individuals elected to direct traffic. I guess someone had to take the job of stopping cars from going anywhere..
• Headline: Economic Shift in Slum Clearance Debate. Impact: The shift from emotional to economic arguments in slum clearance inadvertently led to the creation of the 'Slum Economy' subculture, where residents began selling overpriced artisanal goods made from reclaimed lumber.. Fact: Who knew slum clearance would become a capitalist venture? Next, they'll be charging admission to tour the 'vintage urban landscapes.'.
• Headline: BRITAIN BUYS OUR WHISKY; First Shipments Since RepealPilgrims to Wine Region Back. Impact: Britain's whisky imports sparked a cultural exchange that would one day lead to the world's most chaotic pub crawls, where American tourists and British locals argue over who makes the best whiskey cocktails.. Fact: Ah, the good ol' days when countries bought each other's alcohol instead of their problems. Cheers to international diplomacy!.
• Headline: ADVISERS ARE NAMED TO DIRECT CONVENTION; Many Cities to Be Represented at Forum Under Auspices of American Theatre Council. Impact: The advisory board's formation led to an annual 'Council of Unqualified Experts' convention, where attendees proudly share advice they never intend to follow.. Fact: Advisers named? Great! Because the world definitely needed more people sitting around giving unsolicited advice..
• Headline: President Will Leave in a Week to Fish; Plans Overnight Stay With Son Elliott. Impact: The President's fishing trip inspired a national obsession with fishing as a form of political protest, resulting in a generation of anglers who believed they could 'catch' their congressmen.. Fact: Leaving for a fishing trip? Sounds like the perfect excuse to avoid all those pesky meetings. I wonder if he packed the 'ignore my constituents' rod..
• Headline: MILLS MAPS ROUTE FOR REPUBLICANS; Party Must Defend Individual Against 'Collectivism' of New Deal, He Asserts. Impact: The lectures on collectivism led to a bizarre movement of individuals who identified as 'Independent Collectivists,' resulting in the formation of coffee shops where everyone paid for their own drink but pretended to share ideas.. Fact: Defending the individual against collectivism? Because nothing says 'individuality' like a bunch of people agreeing to disagree over lattes..
• Headline: WESTERN UNION MEN SEEK 10% PAY RISE; Association Here Also Votes to Ask Five-Day Week--Group Claims Staff Majority. Impact: The demand for a pay rise led to a nationwide trend of employees asking for more, which eventually spiraled out of control, resulting in companies offering 'unlimited vacation' days that no one ever took.. Fact: Seeking a pay rise? Sounds like a solid plan, until they start paying you in 'exposure' and 'experience.' Good luck with that!.
• Headline: DIVINE IS DESERTED BY HIS HEAD 'ANGEL'; Faithful Mary Is Reported to Have Turned Heretic in Row Over the 'Promised Land'. Impact: The fallout from Divine's angelic quarrel led to a spiritual crisis where followers began questioning not only their faith but also the concept of property rights, resulting in a spectacularly chaotic land dispute.. Fact: When your angel turns heretic, it really puts a damper on your heavenly real estate plans. I guess Heaven has a no-refund policy..
• Headline: Boeing Stockholders to Meet. Impact: The postponed meeting led to stockholders developing a new tradition of procrastination, which eventually inspired a series of self-help books titled 'How to Effectively Avoid Decisions.'. Fact: A stockholders meeting postponed? Sounds like they all decided to play 'hide and seek' instead of discussing actual business. Good luck finding them!.