APRIL 12, 1937

Full News Archive

• Headline: The Machine-Wreckers Premieres in 1937. Impact: If only they knew that the Machine-Wreckers would inspire an entire generation of angry hipsters to obsess over artisanal, hand-crafted everything, we might have avoided the avocado toast crisis of the 2010s.. Fact: Did you know that the play 'The Machine-Wreckers' was actually a secret manifesto for coffee shop baristas everywhere? No? Well, now you do!.
• Headline: Simplified Lump Sum Claim Procedures. Impact: This simplified procedure for lump sums probably led to the invention of the 'I lost my job but at least I got this check' motivational poster. Thanks for that!. Fact: Did you know that lump sum claims are the only thing that can make you feel wealthy and broke at the same time? It's like a magic trick, but with your finances!.
• Headline: Hofstra College Adds to Faculty. Impact: Every time Hofstra College adds faculty, somewhere in the universe, a coffee shop gains a new regular who will never stop talking about their PhD.. Fact: Did you know that adding faculty at Hofstra is like adding toppings to a pizza? Sure, it looks good, but it might just be too much for anyone to handle!.
• Headline: $2,000,000 IS ADDED FOR HIGHER STUDY; Institute at Princeton Now Has an Endowment Fund of More Than $8,000,000. Impact: This endowment fund at Princeton led to the creation of elite clubs where students debate whether $8 million is really enough to fund their existential crises.. Fact: Did you know that $8 million is just enough to pay for a single Ivy League education and still leave you financially ruined? Cheers to higher studies!.
• Headline: Agnes Bishop Wed in Georgia. Impact: Agnes Bishop's wedding probably led to the eventual rise of countless 'Bridezilla' memes, as every future bride sought to outdo her wedding day.. Fact: Did you know that weddings are basically the Super Bowl for love? Everyone prepares for months just to watch someone else cry over a cake!.
• Headline: Topics of The Times. Impact: This piece likely inspired a million editorial pieces about how the times are always changing, yet nothing ever really does. Groundbreaking, huh?. Fact: Did you know that 'Topics of The Times' is just the newspaper's way of saying, 'We couldn't find anything interesting, so here’s our best guess'?.
• Headline: BELGIAN FASCISTS SWAMPED, POLLING LESS THAN IN 1936; Brussels Casts 275,840 Votes for van Zeeland to 69,242 for Rexist Leader. Impact: The defeat of Belgian fascists might have led to an unexpected wave of bland political parties popping up like mushrooms after the rain, all vying for mediocrity.. Fact: Did you know that polling less than in 1936 is like being voted 'Most Likely to Not Succeed' at your high school reunion? Ouch!.
• Headline: HARVARD RECEIVES PLAQUE; Memorial to Henry Pennypacker Will Be Unveiled Today. Impact: The unveiling of this plaque likely led to a surge in memorials for people no one remembers, just to boost the ego of living historians everywhere.. Fact: Did you know that memorial plaques are basically the 'like' button of the historical world? Because who doesn't want to be remembered forever for something totally mundane?.
• Headline: Warner Talks of Retiring. Impact: G S Warner's retirement talk probably caused an entire generation of athletes to rethink their life choices and wonder if coaching is really just an elaborate way to avoid a real job.. Fact: Did you know that retiring from coaching is the sports equivalent of deciding to 'pursue other opportunities'? Translation: I'm going to binge-watch Netflix instead!.