MARCH 29, 1937

Full News Archive

• Headline: Legacy of James A. O'Connell. Impact: In a twist of fate, James A. O'Connell's name sparked a century of debates over the importance of middle initials, leading to a future where every child is forced to pick a name with a catchy initial.. Fact: Middle initials are so important that they can single-handedly determine your level of success. Just ask any James A. O'Connell..
• Headline: Reimer-Spiess Historical Meeting. Impact: The collaboration of Reimer and Spiess inadvertently inspired a series of terrible reality TV shows about partnerships gone wrong, culminating in a future where people argue over the best way to make toast.. Fact: Reimer and Spiess could have been the original duo to start a podcast, but alas, they were stuck with the whole 'paperwork' thing..
• Headline: THREE WIN AWARDS FOR STUDY IN ROME; Fellowships for Two Years in Classical School Given to Victors in Competition OTHER TESTS PROGRESS Nine Out of 83 Reach Finals in Architecture and Three of 20 in Landscape Design. Impact: These awards not only propelled their winners into the artistic stratosphere but also inadvertently led to an explosion of overpriced gelato shops and faux-ancient architecture back home, forever ruining the skyline.. Fact: Winning a fellowship in Rome means you can now officially call yourself an 'international artist,' which is basically code for 'I have expensive taste and a student loan.'.
• Headline: AMOS KIDDER WEDS MRS. S. B. PIERRONG; Partner in Wall St. Firm and Mayor of Tenafly Marries Former Sophea Black. Impact: Amos Kidder's marriage sparked a delightful trend of Wall Street marriages, leading to a future of hedge fund managers hosting extravagant weddings where the only guests are their stock portfolios.. Fact: When Wall Street tycoons marry, you can bet that the wedding cake is made out of actual money. Just kidding, it’s probably just vanilla..
• Headline: Pope, in Tears, Blesses 250,000 Who Cheer in Joy at His Recovery; Adds Word of Gratitude for Prayers as He Gives Benediction to Vast Throng in St. Peter's Square-Sits Throughout Service in Cathedral-German Envoy Absent PONTIFF, IN TEARS, BLESSES 250,000 Sits Throughout Ceremony Wears His Triple Crown No German Diplomat Present Heard on Radio Here. Impact: The Pope's heartfelt blessing not only lifted spirits but also set a precedent for future popes to employ emotional theatrics, eventually leading to a papal reality show where they compete for the title of 'Most Emotional Blessing.'. Fact: The Pope's tears were so powerful that they reportedly caused a minor rainfall in Rome, which is either divine intervention or excellent timing by the meteorologists..
• Headline: Gale Traps 59 Aquitania Tourists on Tug; They Pass Stormy Night Off Montevideo. Impact: This stormy night led to an increase in the popularity of storm-themed vacation packages, where tourists now pay top dollar for the chance to be trapped on a tugboat while reminiscing about their life choices.. Fact: Getting trapped in a gale is just another day in the life of a tourist – they say it's all part of the experience, much like overpriced souvenirs..
• Headline: HIGH SETS 'GOALS' FOR OUR DEMOCRACY; Creation of Personal Values Is Main Purpose, He Tells Human Relations Institute WORLDLY WISDOM A 'NEED' America Lacks a Broad Understanding of Economic Facts, He Says at Chapel Hill. Impact: High's ambitious goals inadvertently led to a series of overly optimistic self-help books, resulting in a future where everyone believes they can achieve anything if they just 'manifest' it hard enough.. Fact: Setting goals for democracy is a lot like setting goals for your diet; if everyone actually followed them, we’d all be living in a utopia of kale and civility..
• Headline: Baptizes Her Doll Babies As Father Does in Church. Impact: This innocent act led to a future where children begin baptizing their toys, inadvertently creating a new sector in the toy industry focused on 'religious' plushies, complete with tiny baptism certificates.. Fact: Baptizing dolls might just be the most extreme form of parenting – watch out for the day when they start enrolling those dolls in school!.