JANUARY 27, 1937

Full News Archive

• Headline: Support for Kindergarten Funding Bill. Impact: If only kindergarten had been fully funded back then, we might have had a generation of children who could have successfully navigated the complexities of adult life instead of becoming today's political leaders.. Fact: Ironically, the kids who didn't get kindergarten aid probably invented the term 'adulting' just to cope..
• Headline: Hathorone Estate Beneficiary Details Revealed. Impact: The estate of Mrs. Hathorone might have funded some groundbreaking innovations, but instead, two institutions for the blind probably just got a fancy new sign. Thanks, Mrs. H!. Fact: Estate appraisals: the only time you can find out how much someone's worth without having to buy them dinner first..
• Headline: LAWYER IS CONVICTED OF POSING AS OFFICER; I. N. Gordon Gets 3 Months in Federal Jail-5 Sheriffs Aides Try to Serve Attachments. Impact: I. N. Gordon's conviction for impersonating an officer might have deterred others from trying the same stunt, leading to a drastic reduction in police impersonation-related injuries... or at least, fewer sitcoms about it.. Fact: Three months in federal jail: just enough time to perfect your 'I'm innocent' face..
• Headline: Johnstown Remembers And Helps Generously. Impact: Johnstown’s generosity might have sparked a sudden trend in community service—too bad it didn't include a class on how to avoid floods.. Fact: If generosity were a sport, Johnstown would be the reigning champion... of waterlogged donations..
• Headline: Heads State Dailies Group. Impact: The officers elected to the State Dailies Group probably had the power to change the news landscape forever, or at least to keep it at a steady hum of mediocrity.. Fact: Being elected to a group like this is the adult equivalent of being voted 'Most Likely to Succeed' in high school... but with more paperwork..
• Headline: WILLIAM DOUGLAS RIGNEY. Impact: William Douglas Rigney, whoever you are, your name is now forever associated with this headline, which may actually lead to a resurgence in baby names. Good luck, future kids!. Fact: If you say 'William Douglas Rigney' three times fast, you might just summon a sarcastic historical figure..
• Headline: Urge Iodine in Drinking-Water. Impact: Urging iodine in drinking water may have led to some very confused fish and a new trend in health fads that still haunts us today.. Fact: Adding iodine to water: because who doesn't want their drinking water to double as a multivitamin?.
• Headline: FOR $5,000,000 FLOOD WORK; Pennsylvania Administration Proposes Control Funds. Impact: The Pennsylvania administration's proposal for flood control funds could have saved countless lives, but let’s be real—government funds often get distributed about as well as my last attempt at meal prep.. Fact: Five million dollars for flood work? That’s just about what it costs to fix the potholes on my street... if only they’d prioritize..
• Headline: WATER SHORTAGE PERILS CINCINNATI; Half the City Is Without Home Supply and the Menace of Fire Increases. Impact: The water shortage in Cincinnati could have prompted a mad dash for bottled water, spawning a new generation of survivalists who hoard water like it’s the new Bitcoin.. Fact: When half the city is without water, you know it’s time to invest in a good water filter... or just start drinking wine..