JANUARY 25, 1937

Full News Archive

• Headline: Cincinnati's Historic Gasoline Tank Fire. Impact: The Cincinnati oil flood ignited the imaginations of conspiracy theorists everywhere, leading to a decade-long obsession with spontaneous combustion. Eventually, this fascination birthed an underground movement advocating for 'fireproof everything' which culminated in the invention of the fireproof turtleneck. You're welcome, fashion world. Fact: Cincinnati's firefighting strategies post-oil flood inspired the plot of countless action movies, which is why you see so many explosions in films today. Thanks, Hollywood!.
• Headline: Du Pont Expands Study Fellowship Program. Impact: Du Pont's increase in study grants inadvertently led to an explosion in the number of chemists who, in their quest for knowledge, created a series of bizarre and unnecessary products. Ever heard of the glow-in-the-dark toaster? Yeah, that was a side effect. Fact: The name 'E. I. du Pont de Nemours & Co.' is longer than most of the grants they give out. Just saying.
• Headline: Death of Ex-Governor Andrew J. Montague. Impact: Montague's death sent shockwaves through Virginia politics, leading to a sudden surge of interest in obscure state laws. This ultimately resulted in someone trying to legalize the use of squirrels as official state mascots. Because why not?. Fact: Andrew J. Montague was a proponent of the 'old boys club' in politics, which is basically the 1900s version of a Facebook group for men who like to pat each other on the back.
• Headline: 100,000 HOMELESS; Known Dead at 41 and Property Loss Expands Into Many Millions. Impact: The flooding in Louisville spawned the infamous 'Flood Survival Guide' industry, which paved the way for the modern self-help craze. Now, everyone can read about how to survive a flood while sipping overpriced lattes in their dry homes. Fact: 41 dead and 100,000 homeless? Sounds like a typical Tuesday in a reality show, right?.
• Headline: CHILD GUIDANCE PLAN FORMING IN NEWARK; City-Wide Committee Will Attempt to Coordinate the Work of All Agencies. Impact: Newark's plan to coordinate youth guidance sparked the idea of 'team-building exercises' which led to an explosion of trust falls and awkward icebreakers in corporate America. Because nothing says teamwork like falling into the arms of your coworker. Fact: The term 'youth guidance' is a euphemism for 'let’s hope these kids don’t end up in a reality show.'.
• Headline: HARVARD OBTAINS GROPIUS; German Architect, a Leader in Industrial Design, to Take Chair. Impact: Gropius's appointment at Harvard ignited a wave of pretentious design movements that would eventually lead to the creation of overpriced furniture you can't sit on without getting a backache. Thanks, Bauhaus!. Fact: Gropius was once asked what he thought of IKEA. He famously replied, 'It’s a design revolution, but they could use more sharp edges.'.
• Headline: GOURMETS TRIFLE WITH ESKIMO FARE; Go as Far as Reindeer Loin but Just Listen to Delights of Blubber and Vintage Fish. Impact: The gourmet fascination with Eskimo fare fueled a culinary trend that continues to this day, manifesting in hipster restaurants serving 'artisan' blubber and 'locally sourced' vintage fish. Bon appétit, I guess?. Fact: Eating reindeer loin was once considered avant-garde. Now, it’s just Tuesday for some foodies.
• Headline: SIR HAMILTON GRANT, OFFICIAL IN INDIA, DIES; Baronet Negotiated the British Peace Treaty With Afghans--Long in Civil Service. Impact: Sir Hamilton Grant's death marked the end of an era in British-Indian relations, leading to a series of unfortunate tea parties where everyone forgot the milk. This tragic oversight caused a ripple effect that eventually resulted in the British craving for biscuits. Fact: Grant was known for his impeccable tea-drinking etiquette. His absence left a gaping hole in the social fabric of British-Indian diplomacy – and the tea supply chain.
• Headline: PERU CUTS MID-DAY REST; Idleness to Be Staggered So Stores Can Stay Open. Impact: Peru's decision to cut mid-day rest hours led to a nationwide increase in caffeine consumption and an eventual rise in barista jobs, proving that sometimes, less rest equals more chaos and more lattes. It’s a win-win, right?. Fact: Staggered rest breaks? Sounds like a fancy way to say, 'We need everyone to work harder without actually working them to death.'.