JANUARY 1, 1937

Full News Archive

• Headline: Sack Resigns as U.S. Envoy. Impact: This resignation set off a chain reaction where every future diplomat wondered if they could land a cushy corporate job instead, leading to a world where diplomacy is now just a LinkedIn networking event.. Fact: Ironically, the only thing he secured was a corner office and an 8-hour workday, far more stable than any diplomatic relations..
• Headline: Pope's Health Improves Remarkably. Impact: Had the Pope remained in pain, it’s possible that the Catholic Church would have invented a new line of ‘soul-soothing’ sedatives. Imagine the marketing campaign: 'Find your inner peace with Holy Relief!'. Fact: The Pope's newfound energy probably inspired more people to pray for his health than for world peace—priorities, right?.
• Headline: Gunfight at Joe Grimm's Café. Impact: This incident sparked an unforeseen rise in café safety regulations, leading to the eventual invention of bulletproof espresso machines—because nothing says 'good morning' like a caffeine fix that can withstand a gunfight.. Fact: Joe Grimm's Cafe became infamous for its 'dangerously delicious' motto. They later had to change it after a few too many incidents..
• Headline: Compromise Ends $300,000,000 Levy Fight; Standard Oil Pays Newark on $50,000,000. Impact: This compromise led to future corporate giants realizing that paying taxes was just a suggestion, thus sparking the rise of 'creative accounting'—the real winner of the 20th century.. Fact: Standard Oil was so good at compromising that they could probably mediate a peace treaty while dodging taxes at the same time..
• Headline: MISS PERKINS URGES JOB SECURITY PLANS; She Appeals to Nation to Build Safeguards Against Any Recurrence of Depression.. Impact: Her appeal inspired a generation of workers to create the most complex job security systems known to man, which ultimately led to the phrase 'job security' being replaced by 'permanent unpaid internships'—a true victory for the economy.. Fact: Job security plans were once thought of as a mythical creature, like unicorns or honest politicians..
• Headline: U. S. CARGO RELEASED BY SPANISH LOYALISTS; Government Assures Minneapolis Company That It Will Be Reimbursed for Damage.. Impact: The reassurance of reimbursement led to a flurry of cargo being transported around the world, ultimately causing an unforeseen global shipping crisis due to the overconfidence of all involved parties. Spoiler: it was a mess.. Fact: The Minneapolis company’s motto quickly changed to 'Trust us, we'll pay you back... eventually.'.