DECEMBER 24, 1936

Full News Archive

• Headline: Burk Takes Helm as P.M.C. Coach. Impact: Little did they know, Burk’s coaching style would inspire a generation of couch potatoes to believe they could coach their favorite teams from their living rooms. Remote controls became a symbol of power and influence. Fact: W J Burk once claimed to have invented the forward pass, but it turns out he had just been watching too many football movies.
• Headline: Historic Honors for NL Sluggers in 1936. Impact: The slugging feats of Ott and Medwick would usher in an era where kids everywhere began using baseball bats as makeshift lightsabers, thus leading to a spike in both hospital visits and the popularity of Star Wars. Fact: Mel Ott once swung so hard he accidentally invented a new pitch—The Meltdown. It was as confusing to catchers as it sounds.
• Headline: POLO PRIZE IS OFFERED; Moore Player Award Provided in the Metropolitan League.. Impact: This award kickstarted a chain reaction, leading to the eventual rise of celebrity polo players who would later dominate social media and cocktail parties with their tales of galloping glory. Fact: The Judge Moore Prize is said to be more coveted than a free drink at an exclusive club—at least among those who actually understand polo.
• Headline: NOT BEYOND SETTLEMENT. Impact: This vague headline sparked a thousand debates over coffee about what 'settlement' really means, leading to the creation of countless self-help books on negotiating over pizza toppings. Fact: The phrase 'not beyond settlement' was coined by a law student who was too tired to come up with a more creative excuse for not finishing his paper.
• Headline: Baldwin Sextet Wins, 5-2. Impact: This win not only established Baldwin's dominance in sextet competitions but also paved the way for future musical groups to believe they could form bands with any number of people, thus leading to the infamous 'three-person bands' that just shouldn't exist. Fact: The Baldwin Sextet once tried to perform with a seventh member but had to let him go after he insisted on playing the bagpipes in every song.
• Headline: Chicago Bars 'Bank Nights'. Impact: The ban on 'Bank Nights' in Chicago led to a national wave of questionable entertainment options, including 'Loan Sharks Night' and 'Check Cashing Karaoke,' which never really took off. Fact: The decision to ban 'Bank Nights' was influenced by a group of moviegoers who claimed they were tired of winning prizes they couldn't claim because they didn’t have a bank account.
• Headline: Cerabone -- Pernetti. Impact: The engagement of L J Cerabone and his partner set off a whirlwind of social media posts about love, leading to the invention of hashtag proposals and the eventual rise of engagement selfies. Fact: L J Cerabone was once proposed to by a pizza, which he politely declined, citing commitment issues.
• Headline: BendheimLichtman. Impact: The marriage of M Bendheim and E Lichtman created a ripple effect that would influence wedding planners to start charging triple for 'unforgettable experiences' in the name of love. Fact: M Bendheim once tried to cook dinner for E Lichtman on their first date, resulting in an epic kitchen disaster that became the stuff of legends.
• Headline: PRESIDENT GOMEZ OUSTED BY THE SENATE IN CUBA FOR 'COERCING' CONGRESS; HIS TRIAL IS SHORT Conviction Is Obtained in a Secret Session of the Tribunal. ALL ALLEGATIONS DENIED Executive's Statement Said the House of Representatives Had Orders to Evict Him. BRU SUCCEEDS IN OFFICE Departing Official Defends His Course Against Army Foes in Manifesto. PRESIDENT OUSTED BY SENATE IN CUBA. Impact: The swift ousting of President Gomez became a pivotal moment in Cuban history, sparking future leaders to take notes on how to avoid being ousted, resulting in an unprecedented increase in secret meetings and manifesto writing. Fact: Gomez's manifesto was actually three lines long, mainly consisting of 'I didn't do it' repeated over and over, leading historians to wonder if he was channeling his inner child.