DECEMBER 9, 1936

Full News Archive

• Headline: Breaking into New York Market Insights. Impact: F R Coutant's marketing tips led to a wild obsession with New York, sparking a bizarre trend where every town tried to replicate its skyline with inflatable skyscrapers. Spoiler alert: it didn't work out well.. Fact: In the world of marketing, the secret to success is often just showing up in New York. Because who needs originality when you can just copy the Big Apple?.
• Headline: Bank Stock Rule Reduced for Dividends. Impact: The easing of bank stock rules allowed for some questionable financial practices, leading to the invention of the phrase 'creative accounting' and the rise of accountants with capes and masks.. Fact: This rule change was basically a financial 'get out of jail free' card. Because who doesn't love a loophole?.
• Headline: Proprietary Association Membership Expansion. Impact: The formation of the Proprietary Ad Drive paved the way for countless awkward commercials, leading to a future where cats and talking babies dominate the advertising world. You're welcome.. Fact: Proprietary advertising is just a fancy way of saying 'we'll sell you anything, even if it’s just a can of air.'.
• Headline: NEWARK OFFICIALS SUBMIT TO INQUIRY; Mayor and Two Commissioners Offer Their Bank Accounts for Court's Scrutiny. ALL DENY ANY WRONGDOING Parnell, as Hearing Opens, Says Foes in Old Feud Spend City Funds Illegally.. Impact: The inquiry into Newark officials sparked a never-ending cycle of political feuds, eventually resulting in an annual 'most ridiculous city budget' award ceremony. Spoiler: they all win.. Fact: Offering bank accounts for scrutiny is just a politician's way of saying, 'Look, over there! Squirrel!'.
• Headline: OSSINING BANS PAID OFFICE; Voters Also Elect All-Republican Slate Headed by Dunscombe.. Impact: Ossining's all-Republican slate led to a series of awkward town hall meetings where everyone agreed to disagree on the color of the town hall walls. Decisions were made... eventually.. Fact: Because nothing says progress like a town run by the same political party since the dawn of time. Change? What’s that?.
• Headline: Silk Dyers Form Group. Impact: The Dyers and Finishers Association's formation led to a bizarre fashion revolution where everyone wanted to wear dyed fabrics, eventually resulting in tie-dye's brief but glorious reign. Thank you, 1960s.. Fact: The only thing more colorful than the fabrics they dyed were the stories of how they accidentally turned everything else in the laundry pink..
• Headline: THOUSANDS GET BONUSES; Various Industries Announce Gifts and Increases in Wages.. Impact: The announcement of bonuses sparked a nationwide trend of employees asking for 'surprise' checks, leading to the eventual creation of the 'surprise party' but with less cake and more disappointment.. Fact: Bonuses are just the universe's way of saying, 'Congratulations! You survived another month of this job!'.
• Headline: Painter Gets 1,000,001st Security Card And Is Rushed to Ceremony in Overalls. Impact: The race for the 1,000,001st social security number led to a national obsession with numbers, resulting in a future where people started naming their children after digits. Meet little 'One-Oh-One'!. Fact: Getting the first million numbers was easy; it was that pesky one after that that caused all the fuss. Clearly, the universe has a sense of humor..
• Headline: WRECKING OF A PLANE AROUSES THE FRENCH; Spanish Embassy Says Craft That Fell Was Shot Down by German War Plane.. Impact: The wrecking of the plane not only escalated tensions in Europe but also led to the rise of conspiracy theories about secret planes that could only be seen by cats. Don't ask how that works.. Fact: This event reminded everyone that sometimes, the skies really are not friendly and that airplanes need to learn how to dodge bullets..
• Headline: SALES ARE INCREASED BY GENERAL MOTORS; Total in November for United States Consumers 155,552 Units, Against 136,859.. Impact: General Motors’ sales increase was the beginning of a long-standing rivalry with other car manufacturers, eventually leading to the 'great SUV wars' of the 2000s. Buckle up, folks.. Fact: In a shocking twist, the increase in car sales also correlated with an increase in questionable driving skills. Coincidence? I think not..