OCTOBER 17, 1936

Full News Archive

• Headline: Columbia Elects Fraser as Alumni Trustee. Impact: Fraser's election as trustee led to an unprecedented increase in alumni donations. This resulted in an endless cycle of rich alumni creating increasingly absurd scholarship names, culminating in the 'Fraser's Fantastic Feline Fund' for cat lovers.. Fact: In the world of alumni donations, it's a well-known fact that the more ridiculous the name, the more likely it is to get funding. Just ask any college that has a 'Dancing Bear Scholarship.'.
• Headline: Vanderbilt Acquires Pimlico Stake. Impact: Vanderbilt's stock purchase at Pimlico led to a chain reaction that eventually had people betting on everything from how long it would take for a coffee to brew to which celebrity would next 'find themselves' in a reality show.. Fact: Pimlico is known for horse racing, but who knew it would inspire people to gamble on the outcomes of mundane life events? Next up: betting on whether your friend will text back within an hour!.
• Headline: Mayor Testifies on Criminal Building Inquiry. Impact: The mayor's court appearance caused a ripple effect of political accountability. This event inspired a new trend: politicians being asked to explain their decisions, leading to an entirely new genre of 'politician apology tours' across the nation.. Fact: In ancient Rome, politicians could be fined for not showing up to court. If only modern-day mayors had such a risk—perhaps they’d take their jobs more seriously!.
• Headline: EX-PRINCE ALFONSO ASKS CUT IN ALIMONY; Informs Court Here That the Devaluation of Franc Has Reduced His Income.. Impact: Prince Alfonso's plea for reduced alimony payments led to a revolution in royal budgeting, resulting in future royals adopting more frugal lifestyles and even attempting to blend in with commoners—though they still failed spectacularly.. Fact: Alimony is a funny thing; it’s like paying rent for a house you no longer live in. Just ask Alfonso—he probably wishes he could sublet his royal responsibilities!.
• Headline: G. L, FLICK JR. WEDS MISS NINA V. LAYN6; Ceremony Performed in Christ Church of Bloomfield by the Rev. J. J. Kirkpatrick, GARDINER LAYNG BEST MAN Mrs. Edwin W. Heister ts Matron of Honor and Miss Nina Lou Bissell Maid of Honor,. Impact: G. L. Flick Jr.'s marriage to Nina V. Layng sparked a trend of extravagant weddings that would eventually lead to the creation of reality TV shows about epic wedding fails. You're welcome, world.. Fact: Weddings are the only events where you can spend a fortune to have your relatives criticize your choices in real-time. The more layers of cake, the better the drama!.
• Headline: Behr -- Edmonston. Impact: The marriage of Bambrick and Edmonston supposedly united two powerful families, which led to an epic rivalry that inspired countless soap operas and family dramas for generations to come.. Fact: Marrying into a powerful family is like stepping into a live-action reality show. Cue the dramatic music and the inevitable family feud that follows!.
• Headline: BAMBRICK LOSES A POINT; Service Union Officers' Reply to Accounting Suit Rejected.. Impact: Bambrick's legal troubles over the accounting suit led to a newfound obsession with auditing in the union world, resulting in every member suddenly becoming a self-proclaimed financial expert with a questionable grasp of math.. Fact: Accounting is the only field where you can spend hours crunching numbers and still have no idea where your paycheck went. Thank you, Bambrick, for the reminder!.
• Headline: Second-Class Postage. Impact: The second-class postage debate ignited a postal revolution, eventually leading to the invention of 'express delivery,' which is now used to send anything from love letters to last-minute Amazon orders.. Fact: Second-class postage is just a fancy way of saying, 'We’ll get it there... eventually.' It’s like taking the scenic route, but with mail..
• Headline: TO EXTEND BUS SERVICE; School Board Will Transport Non-Public Pupils Nov. 1.. Impact: The school board's decision to extend bus service for non-public pupils led to an influx of 'non-public' schools, creating a bizarre newfound market for educational fads that included everything from underwater basket weaving to interpretive dance.. Fact: Transportation for non-public pupils is like a VIP pass to educational enlightenment... or just another way for kids to avoid walking to school. Who needs exercise anyway?.
• Headline: HOUSEMAID AUTHOR FLEES INTRUDERS; Miss Salminen, Who Won Swedish Prize for Novel, Goes to Friends in Brooklyn.. Impact: Miss Salminen's escape from interviewers set a precedent for authors everywhere, leading to the widespread adoption of 'author retreats'—which are basically just excuses to avoid talking to people.. Fact: Every author dreams of being able to run away from interviewers. It's the adult version of hiding under your bed when guests come over. 'Sorry, I can't talk right now, I’m... busy being famous!'.