SEPTEMBER 13, 1936

Full News Archive

• Headline: Grundy Struggles After Bahamas Crash. Impact: If Grundy had managed to recover sooner, he might have inspired a new trend of 'health retreats' in the Bahamas, leading to an influx of wealthy hypochondriacs opting for sunshine over actual medical care.. Fact: Meningitis is one of those conditions that sounds way scarier than it usually is. But hey, who needs a vacation when you can have a life-threatening illness, right?.
• Headline: The Stuttering Bishop Mystery Unveiled. Impact: Had the Bishop spoken fluently, he might have turned the religious community into a debating arena, leading to a major schism over who can actually pronounce 'Episcopalian' correctly.. Fact: Erle Stanley Gardner? The man knew how to write a mystery! Too bad no one ever solved the mystery of why anyone would want to be a bishop in the first place..
• Headline: Scientists Revolt: Blackpool Meeting 1936. Impact: This rebellion could have led to a scientific renaissance, where lab coats replaced suits in Parliament. Imagine a world where scientific data drives policy instead of political agendas! Oh wait, that’s just wishful thinking.. Fact: Because nothing screams 'we care about education' like a bunch of scientists yelling at politicians – it’s like bringing a calculator to a fistfight..
• Headline: ENDS $3 JAIL TERM; Bay State Woman Who Would Not Pay Fine Is Released.. Impact: This brave woman's decision might have sparked a new movement: 'Paying fines is for suckers!' leading to a revolution against any form of financial responsibility.. Fact: She served time for a traffic violation? That’s one expensive parking ticket. At this rate, she could’ve just bought a new car!.
• Headline: THE HOG GOES DOWNSTREAM. Told and Drawn by Marion Bullard. 95 pp. New York: Harcourt, Brace & Co. $1.50.. Impact: If the hog had just stayed upstream, we could have avoided the entire genre of farm-themed literature! Thanks a lot, hog.. Fact: This book probably inspired the phrase 'going hog wild', which is what happens when you run out of bacon in a brunch buffet..
• Headline: DROUGHT BLAMED ON RADIO; Broadcasting Disturbs the Ether, Colorado Residents Believe.. Impact: This might have led to the first 'radio-free' zones, where communities gathered in silence, convinced that they could will the rain back by avoiding the airwaves. Spoiler alert: they were wrong.. Fact: Yes, because nothing says 'scientific reasoning' like blaming your lack of rain on the local DJ's playlist..
• Headline: SUPERVISED MAIL STUDY; Correspondence Courses for High School Pupils Taken Under Teachers' Gaze. Impact: This could have birthed a whole generation of students who excelled at correspondence courses but struggled with face-to-face interaction, leading to a future populated by socially awkward geniuses.. Fact: If only they had supervised the teachers as well—maybe they wouldn't have ended up with a bunch of students who can't spell 'correspondence'!.
• Headline: COLONIAL DATE IS MARKED; 10,000 on Staten Island Celebrate Revolutionary Peace Parley.. Impact: This celebration might have inspired a series of awkward reenactments where everyone just sits around discussing peace while trying to avoid the actual conflict of modern life.. Fact: 10,000 people celebrating a peace treaty? Sounds like a lot of potential for awkward small talk about how they should probably stop fighting..
• Headline: CHURCH IN BED FORD HOLDS FETE TODAY; Will Celebrate the Allotment 255 Years Ago of Land for First Structure. SCALE MODEL TO BE SHOWN Original Building Put Up 40 Years After Grant of Site and Stood Until 1872.. Impact: This could lead to a trend where every church starts celebrating their land grants, turning Sundays into a competition of who can throw the biggest land party. God would be proud.. Fact: Celebrating a land allotment? That’s one way to remind everyone that your church has been around longer than most people's ancestors!.
• Headline: CLASSES AID HOBBY FANS; Courses in Handicraft, to Open This Month, Will Cover a Wide Field. Impact: This could have kicked off a crafting revolution, where men and women alike started hoarding yarn and glue, leading to a future where DIY shows rule television and craft stores become the new temples.. Fact: Because nothing screams 'I’m a responsible adult' like taking a class on knitting while your bills pile up!.