SEPTEMBER 7, 1936

Full News Archive

• Headline: Berlin's Tension Eases After Schacht's Visit. Impact: If Schacht had successfully soothed tensions, we might have seen a world where the Berlin Wall was just a really awkward fence. Instead, the only thing that calmed the waters was a good old-fashioned war. Thanks, Schacht!. Fact: Did you know that ‘Schacht’ is German for ‘screw’ and this meeting really just seemed to tighten the screws on Europe? Who knew diplomacy could feel like a game of Twister?.
• Headline: Villanova's Faculty and Staff Appointments. Impact: The appointment of 13 faculty members could have led to a sudden surge in academic excellence, but instead, it just meant 13 more people were forced to attend faculty meetings that could have been emails.. Fact: Fun fact: the number 13 is often considered unlucky, which is fitting for anyone who’s ever sat through a faculty meeting. Welcome to your doom, new hires!.
• Headline: Milk Price Controversy of 1936. Impact: If milk prices had remained stable, we might not have seen the rise of the coffee culture that turned everyone into caffeine-fueled zombies. So, thanks for the fluctuating prices, dairy farmers!. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'milk prices' can send shivers down the spine of anyone who’s ever tried to budget? It's like watching your savings evaporate in slow motion..
• Headline: SHOT AT TARGET PRACTICE; Boy, 17, Slightly Hurt by Bullet From Friend's Rifle.. Impact: The bullet that grazed this poor boy could have led to a dramatic reduction in reckless behavior among teens. Instead, it just resulted in more 'hold my beer' moments and parental eye-rolls.. Fact: Did you know that 'target practice' is just a fancy way of saying 'let's see how badly we can mess this up'? Clearly, they need to practice a bit more!.
• Headline: MOXHAM'S SHORTY VICTOR; Leads Interclub Class In Race at Horse Shoe Harbor Y.C.. Impact: Moxham's Shorty winning the race might have inspired a series of horse-based sitcoms, but instead, it just led to more horses being overworked and underappreciated in the name of entertainment.. Fact: Surprise! Horses don't actually care about winning races. They’re just in it for the snacks and the occasional neck scratch. Priorities, am I right?.
• Headline: YALE FORTY NINERS HOSTS IN WHITEFIELD; Apprentices Present Play and Leaders of Company Appear in Several Skits.. Impact: The informal entertainment presented by apprentices could have sparked a revolution in community theater, but instead, it likely just resulted in a lot of cringeworthy performances and awkward silences.. Fact: Did you know that skits are just a nice way to say 'we’re too cheap for a real production'? Bravo to the apprentices for their creativity—if only the audience knew what hit them!.
• Headline: CYCLOPS KNOWN BEFORE ULYSSES; One-Eyed Demon Depicted in Bas-Relief Found in Babylonian Ruins of 2100 B.C. DUG UP BY CHICAGO PARTY Giant Is Shown Being Slain by a God -- Rays From Orb Indicated in Sculpture.. Impact: The discovery of the Cyclops sculpture might have led to a resurgence in interest in ancient mythology, but instead, it became just another talking point for that guy at the party who thinks he knows everything.. Fact: Did you know that Cyclops used to be a popular Halloween costume? He was a hit until people realized they couldn’t see where they were going. Talk about a one-eyed wonder!.
• Headline: Crash Sets Off Fire Alarm. Impact: The crash that set off the fire alarm could have been a turning point for improved safety regulations. Instead, it just resulted in more annoyed fire marshals and a collective sigh from the firefighter community.. Fact: Did you know that fire alarms are just really loud reminders that someone is having a bad day? Kudos to Karanbela for providing the entertainment!.
• Headline: GOLD AND THE GOVERNMENT; Administration Policy in the Matter of Yellow Metal Is Criticized.. Impact: Criticism of the administration's gold policy could have led to a gold rush, but instead, it just sparked a bunch of late-night debates over how shiny things affect the economy.. Fact: Fun fact: gold is the only metal that can make people act like they’ve just discovered the secret to eternal life. Spoiler: it’s just shiny and heavy..