AUGUST 5, 1936

Full News Archive

• Headline: Job Application Riot in 1936. Impact: This chaotic rush for city jobs led to a future where people would consider applying for jobs at fast-food chains a more civilized affair. If only they had known that the real prize was getting paid in chicken nuggets.. Fact: In the future, job applications will become more civilized, involving online forms and a casual 30-minute Zoom interview—if only they could see the irony!.
• Headline: Reopening of American Kid Case. Impact: Reopening the American Kid Case gave rise to a future generation of conspiracy theorists who are convinced that 'American Kid' is code for a secret government project involving real-life superheroes.. Fact: In a shocking twist, the term 'American Kid' is actually just what they call kids who refuse to eat vegetables—no superhero powers involved!.
• Headline: EDGE CANCELS TRIP ABROAD; Chairman of New Jersey Republican Drive Sees Big Job Ahead.. Impact: Edge's canceled trip abroad inadvertently led to a series of awkward campaign strategies, forcing politicians to think outside the box. Thank you, Edge, for saving us from yet another boring foreign policy discussion!. Fact: Campaigning while staying home is just the 1920s version of 'let's Zoom instead of meet up.'.
• Headline: MRS,-F. B. HARJE$ MARRIED IH PARIS; Daughter of Late Charles E.' Bervind of Philadelphia Is Bride of Seton .Porter, I JESSE !, STRAUS WITNESS i Religious Ceremony in American Cathedra!Husband Member Of a New York Family.. Impact: This marriage not only linked two families but also started the trend of elaborate wedding hashtags, which would confuse generations to come. Future historians will be baffled by hashtags like #SetonWedsHarjes.. Fact: In the future, people will spend more time planning weddings than they do in actual marriages..
• Headline: MAYOR GOES PHONELESS; Stamford Executive Ends Service When Board Holds Up Bill.. Impact: The mayor's decision to go phoneless inspired a future where politicians would try to make a point by ignoring technology altogether—leading to a surge of 'silent protests' that nobody understood.. Fact: In an ironic twist, the mayor’s lack of a phone sends more messages than most politicians can with their fancy smartphones..
• Headline: 3 LIFEGUARD ARE FINED; Must Give Up Part of Pay for Riding Cycle on Boardwalk.. Impact: The lifeguards' fines for cycling on the boardwalk led to an increase in strict regulations on recreational activities, paving the way for future generations to debate the legality of rollerblading while eating ice cream.. Fact: Now, lifeguards are more likely to be fined for using their phones than for riding bikes—because who knew texting could be more dangerous than swimming?.
• Headline: DOCTORS OPERATE UNAWARE OF FIRE; Blaze in Woman's Hospital Put Out Before Patients Learn About It. FIREMEN WORK ON TIPTOE 2 Hurt by Falls From Ladder, but One, a Battalion Chief, Remains at His Post.. Impact: Doctors operating unaware of a fire led to the establishment of stricter safety measures in hospitals. Who knew that patients could be at risk from both illness and fire hazards?. Fact: In the future, doctors will be more aware of their surroundings thanks to the invention of fire alarms—though they still can't find the coffee machine..
• Headline: COORDINATING DEFENSE; Japan's Recent Decision Bring Comment From General Rivers.. Impact: General Rivers' comments on Japan's decision planted the seeds for countless conspiracy theories about global defense strategies, leading to a future where everyone thinks they are a geopolitical expert after watching one documentary.. Fact: In an ironic twist, the only thing that truly unites world leaders is their mutual dislike of being quoted out of context..
• Headline: PELTIER'S NEW COMET SUDDENLY LOSES TAIL; Astronomers at Yerkes Observatory Are Puzzled by Its Disappearance.. Impact: Peltier's comet losing its tail has led astronomers to consider the importance of personal grooming in the cosmos. This is how galactic beauty standards began.. Fact: In the future, comets will be judged not just on their tails but also on their social media presence. #CometGoals.