JULY 14, 1936

Full News Archive

• Headline: Children Shine at Woodland Farm Show. Impact: Little did the children know that their horse show would inspire a future generation of equestrian enthusiasts, leading to the creation of horse-themed reality TV shows that would occupy countless hours of prime time. Thank you, Woodland Farm!. Fact: No horses were harmed in the making of this headline, but millions of carrots were definitely sacrificed..
• Headline: Workers' Rights vs. Union Authority. Impact: The labor dispute over this employment situation would eventually lead to the rise of a secret society of union-busting cats—yes, cats—who would infiltrate workplaces worldwide, spreading chaos and confusion.. Fact: Nothing says 'freedom' like a court order! Truly the American Dream in action..
• Headline: N.Y.U. Students Stand for Labor Rights. Impact: This protest would spark a series of events culminating in the establishment of mandatory art classes for all painters, leading to a nationwide shortage of paint in the 90s when everyone suddenly decided to become a Van Gogh.. Fact: These days, students are protesting against non-union pizza delivery. Priorities, people!.
• Headline: GORE POINTS TO HISTORY; Blind Senator Fears Nation Is Running Past Red Lights.. Impact: Senator Gore's fears about the nation running past red lights would ironically lead to an increase in traffic violations and a new trend of 'running late' as a legitimate excuse for tardiness.. Fact: Senator Gore probably thought he was living in a video game with all those red lights, but alas, reality doesn't come with extra lives..
• Headline: American Hurt in Trinidad. Impact: Norcross's injury would lead to a future generation of thrill-seekers trying to ride boats with no safety restraints, setting off a wave of innovative safety regulations that no one asked for.. Fact: If you thought life jackets were annoying, just wait until you see the next wave of 'boat riding safety' rules that come from this incident!.
• Headline: Ambulance Crews Praised. Impact: The praise for these ambulance crews would ripple through time, inspiring future generations to always keep a stash of snacks in their vehicles for when they get caught up in the daily grind of saving lives.. Fact: Being an ambulance driver is the only profession where you can legally run red lights and still be seen as a hero. Talk about a sweet gig!.
• Headline: TRAFFIC SPEEDS UP ON THE TRIBOROUGH; Cars Skim Across New Bridge at Rate of 1,000 an Hour as Toll Delays End.. Impact: The speeding traffic on the Triborough would eventually lead to the creation of the world's first traffic-themed amusement park, where getting stuck in a jam would be part of the fun.. Fact: 1,000 cars an hour—now that's what I call a traffic jam! If only they had a fast pass for that..