JULY 11, 1936

Full News Archive

• Headline: Mary Cox Weds Frederick Knight in Washington. Impact: If Miss Mary Cox hadn't married Frederick H. Knight, who knows? Maybe a great revolution in the field of matchmaking would have emerged, leading to a TV show where couples are paired based on their favorite types of cheese.. Fact: Mary Cox's wedding cake probably had more layers than the average political scandal..
• Headline: WPA Establishes Ground Schools Nationwide. Impact: The establishment of WPA ground schools led to a generation of individuals who could potentially be smarter than the average politician, which is quite a feat. Imagine the chaos of educated citizens trying to vote!. Fact: WPA stands for 'We Provide Awkwardness' because who doesn’t love a good government program with an identity crisis?.
• Headline: Princess Expecting Child in France. Impact: If Prince Juan and his wife hadn't decided to live in France while expecting a child, we might have been spared an entire era of royal drama, leading to a world where tabloids wrote about actual news instead of royal baby gossip.. Fact: Expecting a child in France means you’re automatically enrolled in a pastry-making class. It's the law, really..
• Headline: Baby Drinks Kerosene, Dies. Impact: V M Rooney's unfortunate demise after drinking kerosene might have prompted stricter safety regulations regarding household products, saving countless future lives—or at least making sure people knew not to drink their cleaning supplies.. Fact: Kerosene: not just for lamps! It’s also an excellent way to make your life very, very short..
• Headline: BROTHER COLUMBA HEADS ST. FRANCIS; Succeeds Brother Capistran as President -- Brother Jerome Elected Dean of College.. Impact: Brother Columba taking the helm at St. Francis College could have led to a significant rise in the popularity of educational institutions run by people with titles like 'Brother' or 'Sister', resulting in a worldwide trend of spiritual education.. Fact: Being a Brother isn't just a title; it’s also a solid excuse for never returning borrowed items..
• Headline: DRUKMAN INQUIRY TO COST $250,000; Todd's Own Fee Will Be About $75,000 and That of His Chief Assistant $25,000.. Impact: The Drukman inquiry costing $250,000 might have set a precedent for future legal inquiries, resulting in a world where lawyers charge more than the GDP of small countries just to discuss whether or not someone is guilty of sneezing too loudly.. Fact: If you think lawyers are expensive now, just remember that back in the day, they were also known as 'the people who charge you to argue about your problems.'.
• Headline: EMPIRE IN THE AIR. Impact: The plans for transatlantic flying boats could have led to an early version of air travel, possibly saving people from ever having to deal with the existential crisis of being stuck in traffic on the way to the airport.. Fact: Flying boats: because who wouldn’t want their air travel to come with a side of potential drowning?.
• Headline: Civil War Veteran Dies at 106. Impact: The death of a 106-year-old Civil War veteran reminded everyone that history has a funny way of making us realize how long we've been ignoring the lessons of the past, especially when it comes to avoiding the same mistakes over and over.. Fact: 106 years old? That’s practically a dinosaur in human years. They should have given him a medal for simply surviving life for that long!.