JULY 4, 1936

Full News Archive

• Headline: SEC Stock Holdings Disclosure Revealed. Impact: The SEC's revelations sparked a chain reaction that led to the creation of the world's first stock trading app called 'Dude, Where's My Money?' which became wildly popular among millennials who have no idea what a stock actually is.. Fact: Did you know that the SEC was actually founded to prevent people from trading stock like it was Pokémon cards? Spoiler alert: it didn't work..
• Headline: Stony Brook Sessions Launch Celebration. Impact: The opening of these sessions led to the eventual establishment of a secret society at Stony Brook that believes they are the rightful rulers of the universe. They meet every Tuesday to discuss their plans over avocado toast.. Fact: Did you know that 'Stony Brook' is actually Native American for 'Place Where People Pretend to Know What They're Talking About'?.
• Headline: Lewis Wins Junior Golf Championship. Impact: Little did they know, this match would inspire a generation of junior golfers to believe that winning at golf is more important than actual life skills—leading to an influx of golf-themed reality shows and a shortage of actual professionals.. Fact: Did you know that golf was originally played with sticks and rocks? And now it's played with overpriced clubs and existential crises?.
• Headline: THREE NEW FORCES ARE FOUND IN ATOM; Cornell Physicist Says They Are More Powerful Than Any Other Known. THEIR NATURE A MYSTERY But Scientists at Ithaca Are Told by Dr. Bethe That They Hold the Universe Together.. Impact: This discovery led to the creation of a new superhero franchise where atoms are the heroes, ultimately resulting in a universe where science fiction movies make more money than actual science.. Fact: Did you know that atoms are basically the universe's way of saying, 'I can make you really, really small or really, really big'? Talk about mood swings!.
• Headline: Traffic Court Too Slow, Copeland Drops Charges. Impact: This incident sparked a movement for 'fast-track' courts, leading to a world where all legal matters can be resolved in a matter of seconds—if you can convince the judge to take a selfie with you.. Fact: Did you know that waiting in line at traffic court is the modern equivalent of medieval torture? At least the medieval folks had a chance of a free meal..
• Headline: BOY, 14, HAS SETBACK IN SEARCH FOR HOME; House Found for Williams Family Has Yard but Proves to Need Many Repairs.. Impact: This setback led to a long chain of families deciding that DIY home repairs were a good idea, resulting in a flourishing market for home improvement shows and accidental home disasters.. Fact: Did you know that the 'fixer-upper' trend was actually started by families who just wanted to save money but ended up creating more work than they bargained for? It's like buying a dog to get exercise and ending up training for a marathon..
• Headline: Up-State Relief Cost Cut. Impact: This cost-cutting measure sent upstate New York into a frenzy, leading to what is now known as the 'Great Bagel Crisis of 1936' where bagels mysteriously became a luxury item.. Fact: Did you know that cutting costs in relief programs usually results in people cutting corners on their bagels? Now that's a tragedy!.
• Headline: ELIZABETH MORGAN MARRIED TO BRITON; Becomes Bride of Alexander Abel-Smith of London in Biltmore, N. C,, Church.. Impact: This marriage sparked a cultural exchange that led to a hybrid cuisine of fish and chips served with grits, which the world still hasn't quite figured out how to digest.. Fact: Did you know that marrying a Brit means you're guaranteed to have a strong opinion on tea? And if you don't, you're instantly disqualified from the relationship!.
• Headline: Ready to Re-Enlist. Impact: This re-enlistment marked the beginning of a trend where people thought that joining the military was a great way to avoid adulting, leading to a rise in existential crises among young soldiers.. Fact: Did you know that re-enlisting is just military jargon for 'I still have no idea what I want to do with my life'?.