JUNE 24, 1936

Full News Archive

• Headline: First Families Chosen for Resettlement Project. Impact: If those 35 families had decided to move into a haunted house instead, the ghostly residents could have sparked a whole new industry of paranormal real estate agents in Jersey.. Fact: Did you know that ‘resettlement’ is just a fancy way of saying ‘we need to find you a new place because we’re tired of your complaints’?.
• Headline: Modernizing the Harvester Plant in 1936. Impact: This modernization effort led to a sudden spike in the demand for coffee, as workers needed their caffeine fix to keep up with all the new machinery's demands, inadvertently causing the next coffee shortage.. Fact: Modernizing a plant is basically just adulting with machinery – it’s like putting a fresh coat of paint on a crumbling house..
• Headline: Historic Women's Role in Politics. Impact: One small step for two women, one giant leap for future committees everywhere. In the future, this would inspire countless women to run for office, leading to a long-awaited increase in common sense in politics.. Fact: Sharing a vote sounds like a great way to resolve disagreements... until you realize it's basically a political version of rock-paper-scissors..
• Headline: DR. BRUNN RE-ELECTED BY LUTHERANS IN EAST; Will Serve Third Term as Head of Atlantic District -- Report Heard on Pension Plan.. Impact: Dr. Brunn's continued leadership ensured that the Lutheran community thrived, but also led to an enduring debate over the merits of church potlucks – a debate that still lingers on in various forms.. Fact: It’s always nice to see someone get re-elected, especially when it means avoiding the awkwardness of finding a new leader – like that time you accidentally invited your ex to a family reunion..
• Headline: BRAZIL COUNCIL GIVES YEAR'S COFFEE TERMS; Tells Government a Statistical-Equilibrium Quota Is Needed; Suggests One of 25%.. Impact: Had the coffee quota been set too high, we might have ended up in an alternate timeline where coffee was traded as currency, leading to a bizarre economy based on caffeine addiction.. Fact: Statistical equilibrium sounds fancy, but it just means they were trying to figure out how not to run out of coffee before the next harvest. Priorities, people!.
• Headline: PRINCETON ELECTS HILL; Outfielder to Lead Nine In 1937 -- McElroy Named Manager.. Impact: This election set off a series of increasingly bizarre baseball strategies that would eventually lead to the invention of the designated hitter – a concept that still puzzles purists today.. Fact: Being elected captain is basically the sports equivalent of being told you get to sit in the front seat during a road trip. Congratulations, you’re still going to have to do all the work!.
• Headline: TOWNSEND, SMITH IN DOUBT ON LEMKE; They Defer Decision on Support After Talk With Third Party Candidate. TO CONSULT FOLLOWERS Determined Not to Lose Identity of Their Movements, They Assert at Capital.. Impact: Their indecision sparked a series of third-party movements that would lead to the invention of political memes, forever changing the way we view elections – and how often we roll our eyes.. Fact: Deferring decisions is just a fancy way of saying, 'Let’s wait for everyone else to make a mess first.'.
• Headline: ROOSEVELT ORDERS COOPERATIVE STUDY; Commission of Three Named to Visit European Countries Which Have Systems.. Impact: This commission inadvertently led to the creation of the phrase 'let’s take a field trip,' which would haunt students for generations to come.. Fact: A cooperative study is basically what happens when you ask three experts to agree on something – it’s less about cooperation and more about hoping one of them brings snacks..
• Headline: MOSES STUDIES PLAN FOR RETURN TO SENATE; He May Enter New Hampshire Primary for Seat He Lost to Fred H. Brown.. Impact: Had Moses not run again, New Hampshire might have become a peaceful land of maple syrup and snowmen instead of the political battleground it is today.. Fact: Studying a plan for political return is just another way of saying, 'How can I make a dramatic comeback without embarrassing myself too much this time?'.