MAY 19, 1936

Full News Archive

• Headline: Mrs. Moody's Artistic Tennis Exhibit. Impact: Had Mrs. Moody incorporated a full tennis scene, we could have witnessed a tennis renaissance in the art world, leading to a future where tennis tournaments are held in galleries, and artists wield their paintbrushes like rackets. Imagine Andy Warhol's Campbell's Soup Cans replaced with tennis balls!. Fact: Helen Wills was not just a tennis champion; she also dabbled in painting. If only her tennis skills had translated into her brush strokes – we might have had a Picasso serving aces!.
• Headline: Curley Advocates Vote on Judge Ages. Impact: If Curley's initiative had actually made it to a vote, we might have entered an alternate timeline where judges are chosen based on their ages, leading to absurd scenarios where the Supreme Court is made up of toddlers – ‘Your Honor, I object!’. Fact: Massachusetts politics: where even the judges need a vote on how old they should be. Maybe next, we’ll have a referendum on the color of their robes!.
• Headline: Former Heir Joins Auto Industry. Impact: Alfonso's son getting a job could have led to a dynasty of aristocrats running the auto industry, resulting in a world where luxury cars are adorned with crowns and scepters instead of just shiny chrome. Fact: You know you've made it when your resume reads 'Former Heir.' I bet his cover letter was a royal decree!.
• Headline: Opinion of the Court Minority of Three Who Supported Validity of the Guffey Act. Impact: The dissenting opinion on the Guffey Act could have altered the very fabric of American law, leading to a bizarre legal landscape where the majority opinion was just a suggestion, and minority rights became the guiding principle of our legal system. Fact: Three dissenters? Sounds like the worst band ever. They probably played the ‘I’m not following the crowd’ anthem at every court session.
• Headline: OFFER COMPROMISE ON SHIP SUBSIDY; Copeland, Guffey and Gibson Present Bill in Senate, but Action Is Doubtful.. Impact: If this ship subsidy compromise had passed, we might have seen a fleet of yachts named after political figures sailing into oblivion, with every senator on board arguing about who gets the biggest cabin. Fact: Ah, ship subsidies, the perfect way to ensure that the rich keep getting richer while the rest of us can only afford to watch from the shore.
• Headline: BOOKS OF THE TIMES. Impact: A successful 'Books of the Times' section could have turned every reader into a voracious bookworm, leading to a future where libraries are the new nightclubs, with overdue fines as the new currency. Fact: Because nothing says 'party' like a night spent with your nose in a book. Can I get a round of applause for the Dewey Decimal System?.
• Headline: Gov. Hoffman Knocks Down a Reporter In a Dispute at Art Exhibition Dinner. Impact: If Gov. Hoffman had successfully knocked down all reporters, we might have seen the rise of a new sport: Reporter Dodge, where journalists would have to dodge the punches of politicians instead of hard questions. Fact: In a world where political debates involve physical confrontations, we might finally see some excitement in the news cycle. Who needs facts when you have fists?.
• Headline: REVIVAL OF NRA URGED; Jersey Retail Grocers Ask Roosevelt to Frame Legal Substitute.. Impact: The revival of the NRA could have sparked a new wave of retail grocers banding together to create their own laws, leading to a future where grocery stores have their own constitutions and aisle regulations. Fact: Ah yes, the NRA revival – because nothing screams 'economic stability' like a bunch of grocers fighting over who gets the last can of beans.
• Headline: Ensign Kait to Wed Miss Strauss. Impact: Ensign Kait's engagement could have led to a chain reaction of military marriages, resulting in a future where all naval officers are contractually obligated to attend wedding receptions instead of military drills. Fact: Engagements are just practice runs for the real thing: long-winded vows and awkward family interactions. Good luck, Ensign Kait!.