MAY 9, 1936

Full News Archive

• Headline: Klehr and Odlum Engagement Announcement. Impact: If D B Klehr and his fiancée had not gotten engaged, a butterfly effect might have led to a world where couples only used carrier pigeons to communicate their love, resulting in an avian uprising against romantic gestures.. Fact: Engagements were once thought to be so serious that they required a formal announcement in the paper. Because nothing says 'I love you' quite like a public proclamation..
• Headline: Celebrating a Decade of Leadership. Impact: The celebration at Union Theological Seminary set a precedent for future decades of academic institutions throwing parties to distract from their actual responsibilities, ultimately leading to the infamous 'Pizza and Philosophy' nights.. Fact: The seminary's decade celebration is a reminder that some people can celebrate their mediocrity for ten whole years without a hint of irony..
• Headline: The Price of Peace in Ethiopia. Impact: The discussions surrounding the Italo-Ethiopian situation were so intense that they inadvertently inspired future generations to create dramatic war-themed board games, leading to the most contentious family game nights in history.. Fact: This situation was so complex that even historians today still can't agree on who was right. Just imagine trying to explain that at a dinner party!.
• Headline: STAMP SHOW OPENS TODAY; President, in Capital, to Light Hall Here After Speech by Farley.. Impact: The stamp show opening in the Capital may have inadvertently led to the rise of stamp collecting as a legitimate pastime, which then spiraled into stamp-themed reality shows. Can you say 'The Real Housewives of Philately'?. Fact: It's ironic that a stamp show requires postage to get there, yet nobody ever seems to have the right stamp when you need it..
• Headline: BRITISH URGE REICH TO BRING AMBITIONS OUT INTO THE OPEN; Questionnaire Asks Hitler to Clear Up Doubts Agitating Europe Last Few Years. RHINE, COLONIES IGNORED Berlin Regards Memorandum as Meaningless -- Hitler's Policies Termed Reply. BRITISH URGE REICH TO TELL AMBITIONS. Impact: Britain's request for Germany to clarify its ambitions was the equivalent of asking a toddler not to eat the cookie jar before dinner. Spoiler alert: it didn’t go well, leading to some rather messy situations down the line.. Fact: The questionnaire was a bold move that was about as effective as asking a cat to explain why it knocked over your favorite vase..
• Headline: RELIEF BILL FOES CRUSHED IN HOUSE; Administration Foils Move of PWA Bloc and Beats Off Republican Amendments. PASSAGE IS DUE MONDAY Leaders Cause Surprise by Accepting the Connery Plan to Pay Prevailing Wage. RELIEF BILL FOES CRUSHED IN HOUSE. Impact: The crushing defeat of relief bill foes in the House paved the way for future politicians to adopt the 'let's ignore the opposition and do what we want' approach, forever altering the landscape of political discourse.. Fact: The phrase 'relief bill foes crushed' sounds like the title of a blockbuster action movie. Spoiler: nobody wins..
• Headline: ISSUES OF DAY OPEN TO JUNIOR LEAGUES.; Convention Eases Ban on Participation by Units in Controversial Matters. LOBBYING STILL BARRED Mrs. P.L. Harvie of Troy Is Elected President as Session at Richmond Closes.. Impact: The Junior Leagues' decision to ease their ban on controversial issues opened the floodgates for debates about everything from pineapple on pizza to political correctness, forever altering the landscape of dinner conversations.. Fact: Easing bans on controversial matters is like giving a toddler a sugar rush—chaos is inevitable!.
• Headline: INSIDE STORY' TOLD OF WHITE HOUSE; Housekeeper Reveals That Mrs. Roosevelt's Favorite Dish Is Kedgeree.. Impact: The revelation of Mrs. Roosevelt's favorite dish might have inspired future First Ladies to share their culinary preferences, leading to a tradition of presidential cooking shows that never quite took off due to lack of interest.. Fact: Kedgeree is a dish so unique that there are probably more people who have debated its existence than those who have actually tried it..
• Headline: OUR UNPROTECTED LEGATION; Plight of Our Representatives Held Blow to Our Prestige.. Impact: The plight of the U.S. legation in Addis Ababa highlighted the precariousness of international relations, setting a precedent for future diplomats to carry around inflatable life rafts in case things got too rocky.. Fact: The fact that the U.S. legation was unprotected is a gentle reminder that sometimes, the best defense is just a really good WiFi connection..