MAY 1, 1936

Full News Archive

• Headline: Physician on Trial for Sterilizations. Impact: The trial sets off a chain reaction, leading to an underground tattoo movement as people try to reclaim their bodily autonomy through body art. By the 21st century, tattoo parlors are packed with customers seeking 'freedom' inks, unknowingly starting a fashion trend that makes sleeves the norm in corporate boardrooms.. Fact: Did you know that tattooing has been around for thousands of years? Apparently, some people prefer needles over scalpel operations when it comes to converting their bodies into canvases..
• Headline: Dr. Alexander Nicoll's Honorary Dinner Dance. Impact: Dr. Nicoll's honor leads to an unexpected trend where everyone suddenly wants testimonial dinners. This creates an explosive market for banquet halls, catering, and awkward speeches, resulting in a rise in public speaking classes and a decline in actual meaningful conversations.. Fact: Dinner dances were once a thing. Now, it's just a fancy way of saying, 'Let's awkwardly chew and struggle to make small talk.'.
• Headline: SECRETARY URGES ACTION; Deficit for June 30 Put at the All Time High of $5,966,000,000. INCLUDES ALL OF BONUS Maximum Outlay Calculated for the Fiscal Year, Despite Nine-Year Amortization. PROFITS TAX PLAN BACKED Finance Committee Moves to Simplify House Rates and Corporation Classes. MOVE TO INCREASE YIELD OF TAX BILL. Impact: The all-time high deficit inspires a generation of financial experts who later create the infamous 'How to Lose Money in 10 Easy Steps' seminars. This leads to countless retirements spent in debt-laden misery, proving the importance of basic math.. Fact: The deficit is so high it could probably buy a small country. But instead, we just keep printing more money and crossing our fingers!.
• Headline: CORPORATIONS LIST SALARIES FOR YEAR; Reports to Stock Exchange Also Show Bonus Payments and Stock Options. CHRYSLER DATA OMITTED But Are Promised by June 20 -- Spicer Concern Labels Its Information 'Confidential.' CORPORATIONS LIST SALARIES FOR YEAR. Impact: The list of corporate salaries sends shockwaves through the economy, leading to widespread outrage and the birth of the 'living wage' movement. By the 21st century, it becomes a standard practice for CEOs to take a pay cut—just kidding, that still hasn’t happened.. Fact: Spoiler alert: the higher the salary, the more likely the CEO is to have a yacht named after a Greek god. Who knew compensation could be so... nautical?.
• Headline: To Sell Rhode Island Stamps. Impact: The sale of Rhode Island stamps ignites a fervor for local collectibles, leading to bizarre underground stamp trading rings where people barter stamps for everything from pizza to questionable life advice.. Fact: Rhode Island stamps are so rare that they could probably fund a small vacation... to Rhode Island, ironically..
• Headline: Austria Jails Nazis and Reds. Impact: Jailing both Nazis and Reds creates an interesting balance, inadvertently teaching future generations about the merits of moderation—although nobody seems to get the memo, leading to more polarizing politics in the decades to come.. Fact: Jailing extremists is like trying to catch a greased pig; it's messy, chaotic, and everyone is left wondering what the point was..
• Headline: LUMBER FIRMS PLEAD FOR PORT UNION CURB; Trade Asks Supreme Court to Rule That Steamship Lines Aid Labor in Boycott.. Impact: The lumber firms' plea for a union curb unwittingly ignites a labor rights movement that predates the 'Occupy' movement by decades, resulting in a world where even the most mundane shipping delays become a rallying cry for workers’ rights.. Fact: Lumber firms complaining about unions is like a cat complaining about being petted; you just know it's not going to end well for someone..
• Headline: FEDERAL PROJECT OPENS ART EXHIBIT; Display of Graphic Creations Is Combined With Reception Attended by Mayor. AVERAGE WORK HELD GOOD Several Offerings of the WPA Group Are Selected for a Special Mention.. Impact: The art exhibit opens the floodgates for federal art projects, leading to a bizarre period in history where performance art becomes a legitimate career path and people start to question, 'Is it really art, or just a guy in a box?'. Fact: Art exhibits are great because they remind us that creativity can be found in both masterpieces and completely unexplainable messes. Seriously, some of it looks like my toddler’s finger painting..