MARCH 28, 1936

Full News Archive

• Headline: Tulsa Stenos Win A.A.U. Basketball Title Again. Impact: This triumphant victory set off a chain reaction where Tulsa became the unwitting birthplace of an entire generation of female basketball enthusiasts. By the time the 21st century rolled around, 'Tulsa Girls' had become a rallying cry for feminists worldwide, leading to the first-ever international women's basketball league held on Mars.. Fact: Did you know that basketball was originally played with a peach basket? So technically, these girls could have been competing with fruit instead of a ball!.
• Headline: Lewisohn Names Top Living Jews. Impact: This list inadvertently sparked a series of competitions across various communities to crown their own 'greatest' lists, fuelling debates that would eventually lead to the Reality TV show 'Greatest of All Time: Who Cares?' It aired for two seasons before being cancelled for lack of genuine interest.. Fact: Fun fact: If you line up all the geniuses in history, they still wouldn't agree on what's for dinner..
• Headline: Hitler Challenges Allies' Peace Terms. Impact: This moment not only showcased Hitler’s delusions of grandeur but also set into motion a twisted version of diplomacy where leaders would start to believe they could simply demand peace instead of negotiating it. Spoiler alert: it didn't work out well.. Fact: The minute silence before Hitler's speech was the only time anyone in the room actually listened to him..
• Headline: LOSES $45,000,000 SUIT; Ex-Broker's Claim Against Morgan and Others Thrown Out by Jury.. Impact: The ex-broker’s defeat not only demonstrated the power of the elite but also inspired a generation of would-be investors to carefully reconsider their choice of profession—leading to a significant uptick in coffee shop baristas who could at least blame their lack of wealth on artistic aspirations.. Fact: If only the ex-broker had invested his time into a better lawyer instead of a suit that cost him $45 million!.
• Headline: PARKER BIDS FAREWELL; Major General Salutes 18th Regiment at Fort Hamilton.. Impact: General Parker's farewell inadvertently inspired a series of military traditions where every officer felt the need to make a dramatic exit, leading to an unanticipated rise in theatrical performances within the military. Now, they hold farewell parties that rival Broadway shows.. Fact: Did you know that the military actually studied drama techniques to improve morale? They found that a well-timed monologue can distract from any impending doom..
• Headline: WHISKOLO VICTOR IN TEXAS SPRINT; Runs Short Six Furlongs in 1:08 2-5 to Beat Croon, Even-Money Favorite.. Impact: Whiskolo’s unexpected victory not only changed the betting landscape in Texas but also led to a bizarre trend of horses being treated like celebrities, complete with their own social media accounts and endorsement deals with hay brands.. Fact: Whiskolo was the first horse to successfully negotiate a contract for a line of equine beauty products. Because why should humans have all the fun?.
• Headline: For Industrial Unions. Impact: This vague yet powerful headline triggered a wave of industrial union formation that would lead to the eventual creation of a 'Union of Unions,' which ironically accomplished absolutely nothing but provided a great venue for coffee breaks.. Fact: Isn't it funny how a simple gathering can lead to the birth of a bureaucracy so intricate that it could rival the plot of a soap opera?.
• Headline: M'AULIFFE TO GET NEW POLICE POST; Will Command in Brooklyn and Richmond, Although He Was Slated to Retire.. Impact: M'Auliffe's continued service as a police commander not only confused his retirement plans but also inspired a wave of 'retirement' parties where people simply continued to work while enjoying cake and balloons.. Fact: Remember, retirement is just a state of mind—especially when there's a cake involved!.
• Headline: SCHOOL PAINTINGS WILL BE EXHIBITED; Work of Children From 8 to 18 to Be on Display at the RCA Building April 13. 300 PICTURES TO BE HUNG Show Is Designed to Dramatize Trends in Art Education Throughout Country.. Impact: These school paintings sparked a revolution in modern art, leading to the rise of 'child artists' who would later dominate the art world, while adults struggled to sell their mediocre pieces for coffee money.. Fact: Many of the paintings were worth more than the degrees of the critics who panned them. Art: it’s all about perspective!.
• Headline: FEAGIN SCHOOL EXERCISES; Diplomas Awarded After Brief Addresses by Actors.. Impact: The Feagin School's choice of actors for diploma ceremonies set a precedent for future graduations to be more theatrical, eventually leading to a trend where students received diplomas while performing choreographed dance numbers.. Fact: Graduation speeches by actors are statistically proven to be 73% more entertaining, but 100% less relevant to real life..