MARCH 16, 1936

Full News Archive

• Headline: Orchestra Performs Amid Power Outage. Impact: This concert led to a massive trend of musicians practicing in total darkness, which eventually inspired a generation of rock stars to perform blindfolded. Who knew that dim lighting would lead to rock legends and a whole subgenre of concerts called 'Darkwave'?. Fact: Because nothing says 'I’m an artist' like playing your instrument in pitch black. Did they think the audience would just feel the music?.
• Headline: Diet Test Shows No Weight Loss. Impact: This groundbreaking 'diet' inspired the creation of a series of cookbooks that advocated eating everything in sight while claiming health benefits. Thus, the 'See Food Diet' was born, forever changing the culinary landscape.. Fact: Turns out, the secret to health is simply to not lose weight. That’s one way to make exercise seem overrated!.
• Headline: Classified Prosecutors Revealed in 1936. Impact: This headline ushered in an era where secret government agencies employed legal experts who were also spies, leading to the bizarre trend of lawyers wearing sunglasses indoors and speaking in code. Who needs transparency, right?. Fact: In an unrelated note, lawyers still charge by the hour—whether they’re classified or not!.
• Headline: Religion as an Inheritance. Impact: This sermon sparked a theological debate that led to the creation of 'heirloom beliefs,' where families passed down their faith like a favorite sweater, creating generations of people who felt obligated to wear it—even if it didn’t fit anymore.. Fact: Some families even have a ‘faith closet’—though it’s usually more about hiding embarrassing old beliefs than passing them down..
• Headline: CAPACITY OUTPUT URGED BY LABOR; The A.F. of L. Would Put All the Jobless to Work in the Production of Wealth.. Impact: This bold suggestion led to the infamous 'Wealth Factory' movement, where jobless workers were encouraged to produce wealth by merely wishing for it. Spoiler alert: it didn’t work out so well.. Fact: Yes, because wishing really hard was definitely the missing ingredient in the production of wealth. Forget about actual jobs!.
• Headline: CHURCH IS GUARDED IN PASTOR OUSTING; Trustees and Police Keep Vigil in Fort Lee While Service Is Held in Log Cabin.. Impact: The vigilant protection of the church during this ousting incident set a precedent for future church services to be held under heavy security, leading to an increase in church event bouncers. Who knew faith needed a security detail?. Fact: Next time you attend a service, remember: it could turn into a log cabin standoff at any moment!.
• Headline: Edward Orders Airdrome Laid Out for His Own Use. Impact: This royal decree initiated a trend among other royals and celebrities to create their own private airdromes, leading to a future where air travel became a status symbol. The rich just had to be higher than everyone else, literally.. Fact: Because nothing screams 'normal' like having your own personal runway. What's next, a private moon base?.
• Headline: COMMUNISTS IN THE WPA; Mr. Ridder's Statement of Conditions Regarded as Encouraging.. Impact: This statement led to a series of 'Red Scares' that swept through the government, resulting in overly dramatic movies and a lot of people awkwardly re-evaluating their reading lists. Who knew paranoia could be so entertaining?. Fact: Fun fact: ‘The Communist Manifesto’ became the hottest book club pick of the season. Just kidding, no one wanted to be seen reading that!.
• Headline: HITLER ACCEPTS LEAGUE BID IN TERMS FRANCE REJECTS; BRITISH STILL EXPECT DEAL; FRENCH THREATEN BOLT. Impact: This diplomatic dance sparked a series of misunderstandings that ignited the flames of World War II, where everyone thought they were just playing a game of 'who blinks first'—spoiler alert: humanity lost.. Fact: And here we are, still trying to figure out how to keep political discussions civil. History really does repeat itself, doesn’t it?.