JANUARY 24, 1936

Full News Archive

• Headline: Astronomy Exhibit at Museum. Impact: This exhibit inspired a future generation of astronomers who, upon discovering a new planet, inadvertently triggered a galactic dispute over naming rights. Spoiler alert: it was called Planet 'No, You Can't Have It Back'.. Fact: Did you know that the first amateur astronomers were often just people looking at the stars while waiting for their pizza delivery?.
• Headline: Fashion Show Benefits Children's Farm. Impact: The children's fashion show led to a new trend in children's wear: outfits that are both fashionable and capable of hiding broccoli. It sparked a worldwide movement among kids to only wear clothes that came with hidden snack compartments.. Fact: Fun fact: The only fashion statement children really care about is whether they can run fast enough to escape bath time..
• Headline: Italy Accuses Britain of Betrayal. Impact: This accusation led to the invention of the 'Perfidometer', a device that measures how untrustworthy a nation is based on how many times they throw tea parties without actually serving tea.. Fact: Did you know that the word 'perfidy' is often used by diplomats who can't find a more straightforward way to say 'we don’t trust you'?.
• Headline: JONES SEES POLICY ON LOANS WORKING; Points to New P.R.R. 3 3/4% Issue as Backing Campaign for Low Interest.. Impact: Jones's comments on loans led to a future where everyone thought they could afford their dream homes, resulting in the Great 'What Was I Thinking?' Crisis of 2030.. Fact: Did you know that loan policies are like diets? Everyone loves to talk about them, but very few actually stick to them..
• Headline: Legal Sophistry.". Impact: The term 'Legal Sophistry' became the go-to phrase for lawyers who were trying to charge you for the most convoluted reasoning possible. Legal fees skyrocketed as a result.. Fact: Did you know that 'Legal Sophistry' is just a fancy way of saying 'I can make any argument sound intelligent, even if it’s complete nonsense'?.
• Headline: RUSSIAN PAINTINGS SOLD.; Makovsky Work Brings $2,500 -$1,050 for Hassam Canvas.. Impact: The sale of Russian paintings sparked a bizarre art trend where people began painting with actual borscht, leading to the Great Beetroot Art Movement of the late 20th century.. Fact: Did you know that the highest price ever paid for a painting is still less than that time your uncle tried to sell you his 'one-of-a-kind' rock collection?.
• Headline: Children's Art on View.. Impact: The exhibition for maladjusted children inspired a new line of therapy involving art made from glitter and macaroni, which would later be deemed the 'Glitter Bomb Therapy’ trend of 2045.. Fact: Did you know that 'maladjusted' is just a polite term for 'that kid who draws on the walls'?.
• Headline: EGYPTIAN LEADERS CONFER ON CABINET; Maher Pasha Tries to Induce Wafd Executives to Form Coalition Regime.. Impact: The Egyptian cabinet meetings led to a series of governmental reshuffles that would eventually turn into a game show format, where the last politician standing would win a lifetime supply of falafel.. Fact: Did you know that coalition governments are like trying to assemble IKEA furniture with friends: lots of arguments and very few things actually get built?.