JANUARY 6, 1936

Full News Archive

• Headline: Dr. Bowie on War and Peace. Impact: Dr. Bowie's sermon ignited a secret society that believed peace could be achieved through interpretive dance rather than war. Thus, the dance battle was born, leading to a global trend of conflict resolution through flash mobs.. Fact: Sermons comparing historical figures often lead to awkward dinner conversations—just ask anyone who’s ever mentioned ‘Hitler and Santa.’.
• Headline: Monkey Mayhem at Canarsie Bar. Impact: The incident with the monkey and the robot sparked an entire genre of film about rogue AI and animal sidekicks, culminating in a future where kittens rule the world with an iron paw.. Fact: Billy Ray’s robot was actually modeled after a famous sci-fi character, but no one expected a monkey to become its ultimate nemesis!.
• Headline: THE EXECUTIVE BUDGET.. Impact: The executive budget's release led to a secret society of accountants who met in basements to discuss the finer points of budgetary cuts—resulting in a nationwide obsession with spreadsheets and coffee.. Fact: The only thing more exciting than the executive budget is... well, nothing. Just kidding; there's always a good cat video..
• Headline: PRAISE FOR ROOSEVELT.; Dr. I.G. Wise Compares President to John the Baptist.. Impact: Dr. Wise's comparison of Roosevelt to John the Baptist led to an underground cult of Roosevelt followers, who believed he would return in a cloud of political reform and social security checks.. Fact: Comparing politicians to biblical figures rarely ends well—unless you consider the occasional 'holy war' over taxes..
• Headline: DUTIES TO SOCIETY URGED ON CHURCH; The Rev. R.H. Dolliver Asks What Good There Is in Trying to Convert a Hungry Man. SUGGESTS 'JUBILEE YEAR' Proposes Observance, in Spirit of the Bible, to Abandon 'Outworn Systems and Creeds.'. Impact: Rev. Dolliver's call for action inadvertently sparked a social revolution where people began ditching traditional religions for food banks, leading to an unforeseen shortage of church potlucks.. Fact: Religion and hunger have a long history of awkward interactions—like that one time a priest tried to bless a buffet..
• Headline: FRENCH REVENUES DROP.; November and Eleven-Month Totals Are Below Estimates.. Impact: The drop in French revenues led to a secret government initiative to tax baguettes, which resulted in a bread uprising and the establishment of a 'Yeast Republic' in the future.. Fact: When revenues drop, the only thing that rises is the price of croissants—it's the circle of pastry life..
• Headline: City Pupils Face Triple Sessions, Heavy Overcrowding Due go Strike; Dr. Campbell Predicts Unprecedented Jam as Result of Electrical Union's Walkout -- Seven New Buildings With 12,000 Seats Will Not Be Available for New Term. STRIKE BLOCKS USE OF 7 NEW SCHOOLS. Impact: The strike led to the invention of the 'temporary school' model, which consisted of classrooms in parks, making education a competitive sport for the future of urban planning.. Fact: Triple sessions for students are the educational equivalent of squeezing toothpaste back into the tube—good luck with that!.
• Headline: Bartlett and Robertson Heard.. Impact: The recital by Bartlett and Robertson paved the way for a future where piano recitals would evolve into epic concert events, complete with pyrotechnics and angry cellists.. Fact: Piano recitals have been known to cause more anxiety than a first date, especially when you realize you’ve forgotten how to play your own music!.