JANUARY 2, 1936

Full News Archive

• Headline: Philadelphia's Vibrant Mummer's Parade 1936. Impact: The Mummers Parade sparked a trend of ridiculous parades worldwide, leading to an infinite loop of absurdity where cities compete for the title of 'Most Outrageous Costume.' This ultimately results in a future where fashion shows are held in space, featuring intergalactic couture.. Fact: Did you know that the Mummers originally celebrated New Year's Day? So, if you see someone in a feather boa at a grocery store in January, they might just be a time traveler stuck in a perpetual parade..
• Headline: Mysterious Injury on NY-Miami Bus. Impact: E.B. Flamm's mysterious injury led to the invention of the 'Flamm Effect' in conspiracy circles, where every unsolved injury is linked back to a secret government experiment involving time travel and public transportation. Spoiler alert: it wasn't.. Fact: Did you know that bus injuries have led to more conspiracy theories than actual public transport improvements? Just don’t ask E.B. Flamm about it—he’s busy contemplating the mysteries of life from a hospital bed..
• Headline: Providence Celebrates 300 Years of History. Impact: The tercentenary celebration sparked a new wave of state pride, which culminated in the absurdity of every state trying to outdo each other with increasingly ridiculous anniversaries, eventually resulting in a 500th Anniversary of the Sneeze.. Fact: Did you know that Rhode Island is so small, they celebrate their birthdays by just looking at a map of the state? Talk about living life on the edge!.
• Headline: 12 KILLED IN CRASH OF BRITISH PLANE; All Hope Given Up After Wreck of the Air Liner Is Located in Sea Off Alexandria. AMERICAN CITIZEN VICTIM James C. Luke of Philadelphia Among 9 Passengers -- Pilot Is the Sole Survivor. 12 KILLED IN CRASH OF BRITISH PLANE. Impact: The tragic plane crash led to the establishment of more rigorous flying regulations, ultimately resulting in the world’s first 'Flying Taxi Service' where passengers screen each other for emotional stability instead of criminal records.. Fact: Did you know that in aviation, every crash leads to a new regulation? At this rate, we might need a regulation for how many times you can complain about the peanuts before the flight attendant rolls their eyes..
• Headline: GREEK SHIP WAITS FOR VANISHED CREW; Freighter Marpessa Just Bobs Around at Quarantine as Officials Wonder.. Impact: The freighter's ghostly crew disappearance became a cautionary tale that led to the world's first maritime ghost-hunting reality show, which eventually resulted in a massive spike in ghost tours and a serious decline in actual fishing.. Fact: Did you know that boats waiting for their crews could be a metaphor for relationships? Just bobbing around, waiting for someone to show up for dinner..
• Headline: New Mayor in Ridgefield.. Impact: The new mayor's swearing-in ceremony ignited a chain reaction where every small town began competing for the title of 'Most Unremarkable Mayor,' leading to a future where mayors are elected based solely on their ability to tell dad jokes.. Fact: Did you know that being a mayor is basically like being the captain of a ship that’s heading nowhere? At least you get a nice office and some free coffee!.
• Headline: Succeeds Koch In Glen Ridge.. Impact: The new council members took office, creating a power struggle that led to the great 'Council Wars of 1935,' where debates were settled with board games instead of votes, forever changing the course of political discourse.. Fact: Did you know that in Glen Ridge, the most exciting thing to happen was the appointment of new councilmen? They’re practically the Kardashians of local politics!.
• Headline: BOYCOTT IS URGED ON NEWS OF CRIME; Father Furlong at Holy Name Mass Asks Same Procedure Against Shady Plays.. Impact: The call for a boycott on shady plays paved the way for an entire movement of theater enthusiasts claiming every production was a 'crime against humanity,' leading to a future where only puppet shows are allowed, and everyone loves it.. Fact: Did you know that if you ask a theater critic what they think of a play, you’ll get a 30-minute monologue that makes you wish you had just gone to see a movie instead?.
• Headline: ROGERS TRIBUTE WINS PASADENA FETE PRIZE; Flower-Decked Floats Depict History in the Annual Tournament of Roses.. Impact: The new debtors' law inspired a global movement of financial reform, eventually resulting in a world where Monopoly money is accepted as legal tender—because, why not?. Fact: Did you know that the only thing worse than being in debt is being in debt while playing Monopoly with your family? It’s basically a recipe for Thanksgiving chaos!.
• Headline: NEW DEBTORS' LAW IN EFFECT IN BRITAIN; Measure Designed to Halve the Number of Persons Who Go to Jail for Their Debts..