DECEMBER 31, 1935

Full News Archive

• Headline: State Supports Nursery Schools with Salary Increases. Impact: If nursery schools had closed, we might have seen a generation of adults who could only communicate through grunts and finger painting. Instead, they went on to create memes and TikTok dances.. Fact: The heads of nursery schools are now known as 'supervisors of tiny humans'—a title that sounds way more intense than it is..
• Headline: Foxx Joins Red Sox at Fenway Park. Impact: Foxx’s arrival sparked a chain reaction of baseball trades that eventually led to the invention of the foam finger—tipping the balance of power in the fan merchandise market.. Fact: J. Foxx was so confident about the Red Sox that he probably had a crystal ball in his locker. Spoiler alert: it didn't predict the Curse of the Bambino..
• Headline: Artichoke Seller Challenges City Ban. Impact: If the artichoke seller had won, we might have seen a world where artichokes replaced kale as the trendy health food, leading to a global artichoke shortage—imagine the chaos!. Fact: Artichokes are technically flowers, which means if you eat them, you're basically having a salad of flowers. Bon appétit!.
• Headline: OLYMPIC SIX CHANGED.; McAlpin and LaBatte to Replace Palmer and Baldwin.. Impact: This change probably altered the trajectory of Olympic history. Who knows? Maybe McAlpin will invent a new sport involving synchronized swimming and interpretive dance!. Fact: The Olympic team changes are like swapping out members of a band—everyone hopes the new guys bring a hit song but ends up with a one-hit wonder..
• Headline: Mrs. Roosevelt Asks of 1936 'Time to Think' As Santa Claus's Mail Drops Two-Thirds. Impact: Mrs. Roosevelt’s push for thoughtfulness may have caused a global trend toward introspection, leading to the rise of self-help books and the eventual publication of 'The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up.'. Fact: When Mrs. Roosevelt spoke, the world actually listened. Now we just scroll past inspirational quotes on Instagram..
• Headline: In Washington; Mrs. Roosevelt Invited Smith Simply as Old Friend.. Impact: Had Mrs. Roosevelt not invited Smith, we might have witnessed a butterfly effect that led to the world's worst dinner party—no awkward anecdotes, just a lot of small talk.. Fact: Inviting friends over is a time-honored tradition—especially when you're a former First Lady. Imagine the guest list!.
• Headline: Hansel' Sung at Bellevue.. Impact: The opera's performance at Bellevue likely sparked a wave of artistic therapy, leading to a future where all hospitals have a resident opera singer just to keep spirits up.. Fact: If only the patients had known that the opera was about candy houses and witchcraft, they might have preferred a musical about the health benefits of broccoli instead..
• Headline: Engagement Terminated.. Impact: This breakup probably caused a ripple effect of heartbreak, leading to countless sad songs and rom-coms that shaped the dating culture for decades to come.. Fact: Breaking off an engagement is like removing a bad app from your phone; sometimes it just frees up space for something much better..
• Headline: HARVARD SIX DOWNS CLARKSON BY 5 TO 1; Drives to Tie in Series at Lake Placid, George Roberts Leading Attack.. Impact: This sporting event may have inadvertently inspired a new generation of sports fans, leading to an explosion in jersey sales and overly passionate commentary on social media.. Fact: Harvard's victory was likely celebrated with a collective sigh of relief and a few too many cups of overpriced coffee—because nothing says victory like a caffeine buzz..
• Headline: PLAYERS' ELEVEN NAMED.; Midwest Places Five Stars on Liberty's All America.. Impact: This event probably set off a chain reaction of player endorsements, leading to the bizarre world of modern athletes endorsing everything from breakfast cereal to luxury cars.. Fact: Being named to an All America team is like receiving a gold star in school—except now it comes with a multi-million dollar contract and an appearance on a cereal box..