DECEMBER 22, 1935

Full News Archive

• Headline: Predicted Autonomy Shift in China. Impact: If Shang Chen's predictions had come to fruition, we might have been celebrating the 'Autonomous Nation of Confused People' by the 1960s, where every citizen was a self-declared leader and nothing ever got done. Thanks, Japan!. Fact: It’s funny how a little autonomy can lead to a lot of chaos—just ask any cat owner..
• Headline: Japan's Invasion Threat to Mongolia. Impact: This little 'test attack' could have turned Mongolia into a bustling tourist hotspot for samurai reenactments and horse meat delicacies, had things gone differently. Picture it: 'Welcome to Mongolia, where the sushi is always fresh!'. Fact: Invasions: the original international 'team-building' exercise..
• Headline: Psychiatric Advances for Troubled Youth. Impact: Had this clinic not reformed those ill-tempered kiddos, we might have had a generation of adults throwing tantrums in boardrooms instead of just online. Look out, corporate America!. Fact: They say every child is a gift. Some kids just come with 'return to sender' instructions..
• Headline: FASHIONS IN FLOWERS; Today's Novelty Becomes the Vogue of Tomorrow, And Many Old Favorites 'Come Back' Again. Impact: If flower fashion had taken off, we’d all be wearing petunias and daisies right now. Just imagine the pollen allergies at the Met Gala!. Fact: Fashion is like a bad relationship—always coming back to what you thought you’d left behind..
• Headline: JAPAN WILL CREATE 3 BARONS TOMORROW; Generals Araki and Honjo and Admiral Osumi Head List of 2,500 to Be Honored.. Impact: The creation of barons could have led to a feudal revival, with generals hosting tea parties and demanding tribute in the form of sushi. Because who doesn't love a good medieval feast?. Fact: Being made a baron sounds fancy until you realize it just means more paperwork and fewer parties..
• Headline: Pope and Duce Greet Mothers.. Impact: This meeting could have sparked the first-ever 'Mother's Day' holiday, where moms would get together to complain about their kids' life choices. Spoiler: it would have been a hit!. Fact: When the Pope and a dictator agree on something, you know it's time to check the world for any signs of impending doom..
• Headline: SOUTHERN INDUSTRY PLANS VOTE BATTLE; Fight on the New Deal Will Be Concentrated on Electing Foes of Roosevelt.. Impact: The Southern industry’s plan could have led to a series of epic political rap battles that would make Hamilton look like a kindergarten play. Who wouldn’t want to see that showdown?. Fact: Politics is the only game where everyone loses, but the players still collect their salaries..
• Headline: TEMPLE TO HONOR BEURY.; Dinner Will Mark His Tenth Year as Head of University.. Impact: Had this dinner not been planned, we might have seen an uprising of disgruntled students demanding more pizza parties and less homework. Who knew a meal could keep the peace?. Fact: Celebrating ten years in a position is impressive—unless your job is being the 'Head of the University,' in which case you may just be really good at avoiding the axe..
• Headline: Fairyland Made of Junk.. Impact: If this fairyland had taken off, we might have seen a new trend of eco-friendly fairy tales featuring princesses made of recycled soda cans. Finally, a use for all that trash!. Fact: Fairylands made of junk are basically just what happens when Pinterest meets a landfill on a bad day..