NOVEMBER 23, 1935

Full News Archive

• Headline: Goalie Cude's Remarkable Recovery. Impact: Had Goalie Cude broken a bone, the sport might have seen a surge in padded goalie uniforms, leading to a bizarre fashion trend of oversized, colorful padding that would have made ice hockey look like a circus act.. Fact: X-rays were all the rage in the early 20th century. They were the original 'get out of jail free' card for athletes—'Look, I'm not injured, just glowing!'.
• Headline: Marylebone Cricket Club Scores Big. Impact: Marylebone's success on this tour inadvertently led to the creation of the world's longest cricket commentary, where every single run is dissected for posterity, leading to serious over-analysis of the sport.. Fact: Cricket is the only sport where a match can last longer than a marriage. No wonder people often get confused about which one is more boring!.
• Headline: U.S. and Soviet Court Procedure Agreement. Impact: This agreement set off a chain reaction of legalese that eventually resulted in the creation of international court dramas that rival even the most dramatic courtroom shows on television.. Fact: In a shocking twist, lawyers actually enjoyed this agreement, leading to an uptick in law school applications—who knew being a lawyer could be so lucrative?.
• Headline: Smith Awards Blazers to Three Athletes; All-Star Hockey and Soccer Teams Named. Impact: The awarding of blazers to athletes opened the floodgates for all sorts of ridiculous award ceremonies, including one where a cat was awarded best fur, leading to the rise of feline influencers.. Fact: Awards for athletes are just a fancy way of saying, 'Congratulations, you ran faster than everyone else!'.
• Headline: WOULD TAX SAVINGS FUNDS; Wilson Favors Levy in Philadelphia if Federal Dole Is Stopped.. Impact: Wilson's tax proposal would spark a nationwide debate about the ethics of taxing savings, leading to an underground movement of people hiding their money in shoeboxes and mattresses.. Fact: Taxing savings is just a polite way of saying, 'We want your money, but we’ll pretend it’s for a good cause!'.
• Headline: DEUTSCH FUNERAL TO BE TOMORROW; Rites Will Be Held at Temple Emanu-El With Rabbi S.S. Wise Officiating.. Impact: Deutsch's passing prompted a wave of community mourning that inspired a series of morbidly humorous plays about the absurdity of life and death, blending grief with dark comedy.. Fact: Funerals are just social gatherings where everyone is a little too quiet and getting extra awkward about the snacks..
• Headline: Prison Guard Sues Legislature.. Impact: The prison guard's lawsuit sparked a nationwide trend of guards demanding better pay and benefits, unintentionally inspiring a new genre of protest songs in prisons.. Fact: Suing the legislature is just a fancy way of saying, 'Hey, can you pay me more for watching these people?'.
• Headline: BARNUM MUSEUM REVIVED.; Robot Freaks Put on Exhibition by Department Store.. Impact: The revival of the Barnum Museum led to a resurgence in bizarre exhibitions, causing a rise in the popularity of 'weird' as a mainstream aesthetic—thank you, hipsters.. Fact: Robot freaks at exhibitions are just the universe's way of reminding us that technology has come too far and we should probably rethink our life choices..
• Headline: CHU-CHU IS NAMED FELINE CHAMPION; Judged Best Cat, Best Male and Peer of All Other Entries in Empire Club Show.. Impact: The crowning of Chu-Chu as feline champion established a precedent for cat shows worldwide, leading to competitive cat grooming and a spike in catnip consumption.. Fact: Being named a champion cat is basically the feline equivalent of being asked to run for president—everyone loves the idea until it becomes a reality..
• Headline: PHILADELPHIA WINS AT FIELD HOCKEY; First Team Halts Baltimore, 8-0, as Southeast Play at Montclair Opens.. Impact: Philadelphia's victory in field hockey sparked a minor revolution in women's sports, inadvertently leading to the establishment of field hockey as a staple in schools across the nation.. Fact: Field hockey: the sport where you can aggressively hit a ball and still be considered classy. Take that, traditional sports!.