NOVEMBER 22, 1935

Full News Archive

• Headline: Duhamel and Gillet Join French Academy. Impact: Duhamel and Gillet's membership led to an influx of poets and playwrights who decided that existentialism was the only way to write a grocery list, thus creating a literary movement that left grocery stores perplexed for decades.. Fact: The French Academy is basically the literary version of a secret society, minus the cool robes and ancient scrolls—just a lot of berets and existential dread..
• Headline: Archbishop Testifies in Landmark Case. Impact: Dr. Temple’s testimony ignited a wave of church lawsuits, causing the legal system to add 'Holy Water' as a standard court exhibit in cases of moral ambiguity.. Fact: When bishops testify, it’s like a holy version of courtroom drama—think 'Law & Order' but with less shouting and more incense..
• Headline: HOME RULE URGED ON WOMEN VOTERS; Mulrooney Calls for Consolidated Rural Police to Cope With Rising Juvenile Crime. DESMOND OFFERS CHANGES Senator Sketches Alternatives for County Government in Bill Effecting Amendment.. Impact: This call for home rule set off a chain reaction where rural women, emboldened, started their own neighborhood watch programs, ultimately leading to the world’s first all-female police force—armed with rolling pins and an unyielding sense of justice.. Fact: Mulrooney's speech was so inspiring that it was rumored to have been delivered while standing on a soapbox—literally..
• Headline: MRS. H. F. WARD SEIZED IN STORE PICKET LINE; Junior League Member Also Arrested as Women Test Ruling by Police.. Impact: Mrs. Ward’s arrest became the catalyst for a nationwide movement of women standing up against unjust picket line policies, eventually culminating in the creation of the 'Picketing Hall of Fame'—where only the bravest women are immortalized.. Fact: The Junior League: where women don pearls and fight for justice—because who says you can’t be chic while standing up for your rights?.
• Headline: Reports Masaryk Will Resign.. Impact: Rumors of Masaryk’s resignation triggered a political game of musical chairs, resulting in a series of leaders who were either too ambitious or too clueless, ultimately leading to a national 'What Were They Thinking?' day.. Fact: In politics, when someone 'reports' a resignation, it usually means the party is preparing for an awkward family reunion—complete with passive-aggressive comments..
• Headline: INTERSTATE RULE OF TRAFFIC HAILED; Hoffman at Port Authority Luncheon Urges Extension of Cooperation. 300 OFFICIALS ATTEND Party Descends Sixty Feet to See Rings Forming Lining of Midtown Hudson Tube.. Impact: The celebration of traffic rules led to the formation of a secret society of traffic officials who believed they were the guardians of road safety, ultimately leading to the invention of the 'Stop Sign Dance.'. Fact: This luncheon was the only time 300 officials gathered and nobody left confused about the rules—mostly because they were too busy fighting over the last pastry..
• Headline: BOSTON SYMPHONY IN 50TH YEAR HERE; Koussevitzky Conducts First and Ninth Beethoven Symphonies in Carnegie Hall. HE RECEIVES AN OVATION Some in Audience Remember the First Appearance in City of the Noted Orchestra.. Impact: The Boston Symphony’s 50th anniversary caused a musical renaissance where orchestras worldwide suddenly felt the need to perform Beethoven on repeat, leading to a temporary shortage of classical music fans who decided to take up interpretive dance instead.. Fact: Koussevitzky’s ovation was so loud that local wildlife reportedly mistook it for mating calls and attempted to join in on the symphony..
• Headline: DINNER TO DR. RUSSELL.; Pastor, 20 Years at the Rutgers Church, Is Felicitated.. Impact: The celebration of Dr. Russell’s 20 years of service inspired a new trend of long-term pastors, leading to a series of awkward dinners where congregations debated whether to give gifts or just silently nod in appreciation.. Fact: In the world of church dinners, 'felicitation' is just a fancy word for 'let's eat cake while pretending we’re not judging your sermon.'.
• Headline: Sneeze Kills Kansas Man.. Impact: This tragic incident caused a nationwide awareness campaign about the dangers of sneezing, leading to the invention of 'Sneeze Guards' that became all the rage in restaurants—unfortunately, they did nothing for the airborne germs.. Fact: E.F. Williams's final act was a sneeze; proving once and for all that the most dramatic moments in life can sometimes come with a tissue and a warning label..