NOVEMBER 17, 1935

Full News Archive

• Headline: Search for Missing Fishing Boat Crew. Impact: The mysterious disappearance sparked a nationwide trend of 'fishing boat safety awareness,' leading to the invention of inflatable life jackets shaped like fish—because who wouldn’t want to look ridiculous while trying to stay afloat?. Fact: Fishing boats have a long history of disappearing, just like your motivation to go to the gym after a long work week..
• Headline: Exploring Gay Geography with Frank J. Taylor. Impact: This book inadvertently inspired a generation of geography teachers to incorporate disco themes into their lessons, leading to a brief but vibrant era of dance-offs in classrooms across the nation.. Fact: The term 'gay geography' actually refers more to the vibrant personality of the subject than to any questionable map-reading parties..
• Headline: SCHAFFMEYER RITES HELD.; i Colleagues Pay Last Tribute to Writer and Former !ditor. '. Impact: The tribute to Schaffmeyer sparked a literary movement where writers began to demand tributes while still alive, leading to the bizarre trend of 'living funerals' that confused everyone except the funeral industry.. Fact: Funerals are often described as celebrations of life, but it's much harder to celebrate when you're the one in the box. Talk about a buzzkill!.
• Headline: ACCUSES RIVAL AIRLINE.; Mail Carrier Asks I.C.C. to Act Against Firm That Lost Pact.. Impact: This accusation led to an ongoing feud between the rival airlines that resulted in a bizarre air travel reality show called 'So You Think You Can Fly,' where contestants compete in sabotage challenges.. Fact: The I.C.C. is not a sports league, but you’d think with all the drama, it might as well be one!.
• Headline: ZOO VISITORS HERE SETTING RECORDS; Whole City Animal-Conscious as Result of Opening of New Menageries in Parks. NEW YORK LEADS WORLD Three Centres in Three Counties Now Hold the Greatest Collections in Existence. ZOO VISITORS HERE SETTING RECORDS. Impact: The record zoo attendance led to an unexpected spike in animal-themed fashion, resulting in a short-lived line of 'zoo chic' clothing that made people look like walking safari tours.. Fact: Nothing says 'I love nature' quite like a pair of pants covered in cartoon lions. Pure fashion genius!.
• Headline: THE NEW RUSSIA COMES OF AGE; In Eighteen Years the Life of Her Peasants and Workers Has Been Largely Remolded THE NEW RUSSIA HAS COME OF AGE In Eighteen Years the Life of Her Peasants And Workers Has Been Largely Remolded. Impact: As Russia evolved, this article inadvertently inspired the rise of hipster communism, where people began to wear Che Guevara shirts ironically while sipping overpriced lattes.. Fact: If you think changing a nation takes time, try convincing a hipster that vinyl records are better than digital music..
• Headline: PHYSICIAN IS SHOT BY RELIEF PATIENT; Specialist Wounded Seriously as Pain-Crazed Laborer Opens Fire in Harlem Flat. CALLED THERE BY A RUSE Assailant Empties Pistol at Doctor After Demanding Cure of His Ailment. PHYSICIAN IS SHOT BY RELIEF PATIENT. Impact: The shooting incident sparked a nationwide trend of 'pain-crazed' wellness retreats where people learn to cope with their pain by yelling at their doctors while hugging inflatable cacti.. Fact: Pain-crazed individuals might not be the best audience for medical professionals, but at least they provide great material for future sitcoms!.
• Headline: HOME-MADE PLANT FOOD; Leaves, Clippings, Lawn Trimmings and Other Materials Are Made Into Excellent Fertilizer. Impact: The homemade plant food revolution led to a suburban arms race where neighbors competed to create the most extravagant gardens, resulting in the first-ever 'Yard Olympics' featuring events like 'Most Creative Composting.'. Fact: Using lawn clippings as fertilizer is a great idea until you discover that your neighbor has somehow turned their yard into a jungle and is now harboring wild animals!.
• Headline: FIENE AND SCHNAKENBERG; One-Man Shows by Two American Artists Have Just Opened in Local Galleries. Impact: These one-man shows inadvertently led to a new genre of performance art known as 'solo interpretive mime,' which baffled audiences and left many questioning what they had just witnessed.. Fact: One-man shows are like the introverts of the theater world—delivering all the drama without ever needing a conversation partner!.