NOVEMBER 9, 1935

Full News Archive

• Headline: Honoring Dr. H. F. 05BOlllq Funeral. Impact: The death of Dr. 05BOlllq, whose name no one can quite pronounce, led to a surge in interest in medical ethics, setting off decades of debates about the importance of clear communication in medicine. The debate continues today.. Fact: 400 people attending a funeral is quite a feat. It's like winning the popularity contest that nobody wants to be part of..
• Headline: Paper Delivers Edition, Omits Murder Story. Impact: This one act of kindness sparked a new trend in journalism, where papers began to omit uncomfortable truths from headlines, leading to an era of blissful ignorance and a societal obsession with cat videos.. Fact: This is the kind of journalism we all secretly wish for: just fluff pieces and no bad news. Because who needs reality when you can have kittens?.
• Headline: BENJAMIN WARNER BURIED.; About 700 Persons Attend the Funeral in Los Angeles,. Impact: Benjamin Warner's passing led to an unexpected surge in interest in his life's work, inspiring biographers and historians to dig deep into his legacy, ultimately leading to an award-winning documentary that nobody watched.. Fact: 700 attendees at a funeral? That’s not just a funeral; that’s practically a mini concert. Someone should have sold tickets!.
• Headline: La Guardia Joins Appeal For Rogers Memorial. Impact: La Guardia's involvement in this memorial campaign made him a local hero, leading to a future where city officials were expected to actually care about the community—an anomaly that temporarily confused citizens.. Fact: La Guardia was known for his dedication to the people. It’s almost like he was running for office or something. Oh wait….
• Headline: STUDENT OFFICERS SURPRISE PACIFISTS; Boston University R.O.T.C. Unit, 500 Strong, Marches to Meeting on Common.. Impact: This surprising display of brute force at a peace demonstration led to a nationwide trend of ironic protests, where people began showing up with more and more absurd counter-protests. Peace was never so confusing.. Fact: Nothing says 'peaceful protest' like a marching band of ROTC cadets. I mean, who needs dialogue when you can just march loudly?.
• Headline: Emborough First by Head.. Impact: This victory by Emborough set off a chain reaction of athletic competitions that eventually led to the creation of the Olympic Games, where people now compete to see who can throw a javelin the farthest while wearing tight shorts.. Fact: Winning the Autumn Cup is great, but it’s not like you get a trophy or anything. Just the joy of knowing you’re better at running than your peers, which is honestly way more fulfilling..
• Headline: SCHOOL BOARD IS SUED.; 31 Doctors Demand Removal of Temporary Medical Examiners.. Impact: The lawsuit against the school board led to an avalanche of litigation that created a new niche in legal practice: the 'School Board Litigation Specialist.' Now everyone wants to be the lawyer who fights against questionable medical examiners!. Fact: 31 doctors suing a school board? That’s not just a lawsuit; that’s a medical symposium waiting to happen. I can see the PowerPoints now!.
• Headline: Miss Sanzewitch's Debut.. Impact: Her debut turned into a cultural phenomenon, inspiring a generation of aspiring artists who believed that with enough determination, they too could make a name for themselves—until they realized it’s really about who you know.. Fact: Debuts are like first dates: everyone hopes for the best but usually ends up with awkward silence. Here’s to Miss Sanzewitch for breaking the mold!.