NOVEMBER 8, 1935

Full News Archive

• Headline: De Forge Charged in Triple Homicide. Impact: This triple killing spurred a nationwide panic that prompted stricter laws on personal safety. Ironically, this led to the invention of the self-defense keychain, which has since caused more injuries than actual attackers.. Fact: Did you know that De Forge's arrest led to a whole series of 'true crime' podcasts? Because if there's anything America loves more than a good murder mystery, it's binge-listening to it while pretending to be shocked..
• Headline: British Assurances on Egypt's Protectorate Status. Impact: The assurances given by Britain not only postponed a potential conflict but also set into motion an endless series of diplomatic meetings that would eventually lead to the invention of the awkward small talk at parties.. Fact: Did you know that 'protectorate' is just a fancy word for 'we're keeping an eye on you, but don't worry, we won't actually help'? Kind of like a social media influencer..
• Headline: Gilbert Colgate's Estate Ruling. Impact: Gilbert Colgate's bequest led to the creation of a prestigious fund for children's medicine, which ironically inspired a generation of kids to start brushing their teeth more—because, you know, sugar is bad.. Fact: Did you know that Colgate's fortune was primarily built on toothpaste? So technically, he left a minty-fresh legacy for his kids..
• Headline: NAPLES SEES PERIL OF SANCTIONS WAR; Artillery Mounted Around Bay to Meet Threat of British Fleet in Mediterranean.. Impact: Naples' preparations for war turned out to be an elaborate misunderstanding, setting off a wave of distrust that made Italian espresso the only thing people could agree on for the next decade.. Fact: Did you know that the fear of sanctions led to the invention of the 'Sanction Scone'? It's a pastry that, much like the sanctions, leaves a bad taste in your mouth..
• Headline: Commodity Seat Sells at $1,800.. Impact: The exorbitant price of a commodity seat led to a speculative bubble in the 'seats market', ultimately resulting in the great 'Chair Crash' of the late 30s where people lost everything... in seating.. Fact: Did you know that for $1,800 you could either buy a seat or a used car? The choice was clear: why sit when you can drive away from your problems?.
• Headline: Million-Dollar Payrolls Back.. Impact: The revival of million-dollar payrolls led to a temporary boom in the economy, which promptly collapsed when everyone realized they still owed student loans.. Fact: Did you know that at this time million-dollar payrolls were only slightly less impressive than the million-dollar smiles of those who still couldn't afford rent?.
• Headline: PARK AV. ROBBERS SHACKLE JEWELERS; Armed Trio Cows 2 Salesmen in Gem Shop at 51st Street and Handcuffs Them.. Impact: The Park Ave. robbery incited a wave of jewelry store security upgrades, which ironically led to a boom in jewel heists as robbers adapted to the new tech. It's like a game of cat and mouse, but with more diamonds.. Fact: Did you know that robbing jewelers became a trendy pastime in the '30s? It's like the hipster version of a heist movie—'Ocean's 11' but with less charisma and more handcuffs..
• Headline: PRESIDENT IN CITY; UNUSUAL GUARD SET BY POLICE FOR VISIT; Streets Are Cleared of Traffic Before He Passes Through -- Precautions Unexplained.. Impact: The President's visit to the city sparked an era of unnecessary security measures, leading to the creation of the phrase 'Your safety is our priority'—which is code for 'We have no idea what we're doing.'. Fact: Did you know that back then, a presidential visit was about as common as a solar eclipse? And just as overhyped!.
• Headline: 'TREAD SOFTLY' IN LONDON; Peter Traill's New Play Opens at Daly's Theatre.. Impact: Peter Traill's play opened to mixed reviews, which ironically set the stage for all future playwrights to blame their failures on bad lighting instead of bad writing.. Fact: Did you know that 'Tread Softly' was actually a safety guideline for actors performing in the dark? Because nothing says 'great theatre' like tripping over props..
• Headline: Los Angeles Radiograms Upset Ickes' Fishing Skill. Impact: Ickes' fishing skills dwindling due to radiograms ultimately led to the rise of 'remote fishing'—a practice where people started fishing without leaving their couches. It's like the evolution of laziness.. Fact: Did you know that if Ickes had simply ignored the radiograms, he might have caught the biggest fish of his life? Instead, he caught a case of FOMO (Fear of Missing Out)..