NOVEMBER 6, 1935

Full News Archive

• Headline: Historic Vote for First St Comr. Impact: After 48 years, this job finally got voted on, leading to a series of increasingly ridiculous local elections, culminating in a reality show about politicians competing for the title of 'Most Unqualified.'. Fact: It took 48 years for someone to finally figure out how to vote on this job. Maybe they were waiting for the right coffee blend to arrive?.
• Headline: Slow Progress in Chemical Reorganization. Impact: The failure to get enough acceptances for a chemical reorganization resulted in a shortage of cleaning supplies, leading to a nationwide epidemic of dirty floors and disheveled homes.. Fact: If stockholders were as good at accepting things as they are at rejecting them, we might have cleaner bathrooms..
• Headline: MUSICALEIS GIVENAT POLISH EMBASSY; Charge d'Affaires Sokolowshi'and Wife Entertain for RomanTotenberg, Violinist.. Impact: This musicale at the Polish Embassy sparked a cultural renaissance that led to a global obsession with classical music, resulting in every pop star trying to collaborate with a violinist.. Fact: Roman Totenberg was so talented that even the walls probably applauded. Too bad they can't pay rent..
• Headline: ELISE AMMERMAN WED.; Bethlehem Girl Is Secretly Married to W. C. Fulmer.. Impact: Elise Ammerman's secret wedding led to a series of increasingly elaborate secret weddings, eventually resulting in a trend where couples elope in space to avoid their in-laws.. Fact: Secret weddings are the only kind that actually have a guest list shorter than a list of political scandals..
• Headline: REPUBLICANS KEEP WESTCHESTER HOLD; Usual Large Majorities Piled Up for County Candidates, Retaining Board Control. SCOTT AN EASY WINNER Gets New Rochelle Mayoralty by 1,000 Votes -- Mt. Vernon Ousts Democratic Mayor.. Impact: The Republican stronghold in Westchester inspired a campaign slogan that became infamous: 'If at first you don't succeed, just keep doing the same thing and hope for different results.'. Fact: Winning by a thousand votes means they must have had a seriously dedicated fan club. Or an unusually high number of absentee ballots from the same address..
• Headline: ROCKLAND FIGHT LOST BY FARLEY; Hamilton Is Re-elected to the Assembly Despite Personal Campaign by Leader. OTHER REPUBLICANS WIN Farley's Brother Defeated by Independent in Haverstraw -No Democratic Supervisors.. Impact: Farley's loss prompted a series of motivational speeches about perseverance that no one ever wanted to hear, leading to the invention of the mute button.. Fact: Getting re-elected is like winning a game of Monopoly; it only matters to the person playing, and everyone else just wants it to end..
• Headline: Head of Committee Lynched.. Impact: The lynching of J Lucas became a pivotal moment in history that led to a strict 'No Lynching' policy, which surprisingly took decades to enforce and still gets ignored in various places.. Fact: Lynching a politician might seem like a solution, but history shows it just leads to more politicians popping up like whack-a-moles..