OCTOBER 29, 1935

Full News Archive

• Headline: Tensions Rise: Preparations for War. Impact: The preparations for warfare led to a chain reaction where every subsequent conflict involved someone accidentally stepping on a butterfly, causing a global aversion to butterflies and a rise in the popularity of cats instead. Thanks, warfare!. Fact: If only all the energy spent on warfare had been directed towards cookie sales, we might have achieved world peace… and a lot of cookies.
• Headline: Mayor Supports Girl Scout Cookie Sale. Impact: The mayor's cookie purchase sparked a nationwide frenzy of indulgence that led to the invention of the cookie monster, who subsequently brought chaos to snack time everywhere. Fact: In a shocking twist, the cookies were not actually for charity but a secret plot to win over the hearts of the local children… and their parents' wallets.
• Headline: WPA Project: Art Centre Registration Begins. Impact: The opening of the Creative Art Centre unleashed a torrent of creativity that led to the world's first modern art piece being a literal pile of garbage, which is still debated to this day. Fact: WPA projects were so successful that they almost led to a nationwide shortage of paint and canvas, but luckily, no one thought to paint their thoughts instead.
• Headline: CARDINAL IS FELICITATED.; But Sticks to Routine on 21st Anniversary as a Bishop.. Impact: The Cardinal's steadfast routine ensured the stability of the church, but little did he know, his 21st anniversary would inspire a future generation to celebrate mediocrity… and birthdays. Fact: Celebrating anniversaries with routine is the original 'Netflix and chill' before it became a thing. Who knew spirituality could be so boring?.
• Headline: THE PLAY; Sidney Kingsley's 'Dead End,' a Realistic Drama of the East River Waterfront.. Impact: The realistic portrayal of waterfront life in 'Dead End' made everyone suddenly realize that their lives weren't as glamorous as they thought, leading to a spike in existential crises among the middle class. Fact: The play was so realistic that audiences often left feeling dramatically underwhelmed about their own lives. Thanks for nothing, Sidney Kingsley!.
• Headline: Dinner at Newark Athletic Club. Impact: The founders' dinner at Newark Athletic Club inspired a wave of business networking that eventually resulted in the creation of LinkedIn—full circle, right?. Fact: Fun fact: this dinner was the last time anyone ever used the phrase 'business casual' without someone showing up in sweatpants.
• Headline: ETHIOPIANS SEIZE SPY IN THE NORTH; Native Thought to Have Taken Information to Asmara Is Rushed to Capital by Air.. Impact: The Ethiopian spy incident led to a heightened sense of paranoia that made spies a common theme in movies, influencing generations of filmmakers to craft tales of espionage… and bad accents. Fact: The spy was actually just trying to borrow a cup of sugar, but you know how governments are about baking supplies.
• Headline: DISCUSS FRANCO-U.S. PACT; Straus and Laval Confer on Trade Treaty at Quai d'Orsay.. Impact: The Franco-U.S. pact discussions eventually led to a series of trade treaties that made it nearly impossible to find a good French fry in America without a side of ketchup. Fact: Everyone knows the real deal was about who could make the best croissant, but you can't have a serious discussion with a flaky pastry.
• Headline: Grace Liner Stuck on Shoals.. Impact: The Grace Liner's grounding was a pivotal moment in maritime history, leading to stricter regulations and a newfound appreciation for maritime maps, which still confuse people today. Fact: Being stuck on shoals is basically the maritime equivalent of being stuck in traffic, but with less honking and more water.
• Headline: GOYTIA WILL NOT TESTIFY.; Panama Assemblyman Criticizes U.S. Attorney in Canal Zone.. Impact: Goytia's refusal to testify became a rallying cry for political figures everywhere, leading to a trend of avoiding uncomfortable questions that still plagues politics today. Fact: The investigation into the alleged revolt plot was less about actual revolt and more about who stole the last donut in the break room.