OCTOBER 12, 1935

Full News Archive

• Headline: Life Insurance Explored in 'Sweet Mystery of Life'. Impact: The popularity of life insurance plays skyrocketed, leading to an influx of playwrights attempting to capitalize on public fear of mortality. This eventually resulted in the absurd genre of insurance-themed musicals, paving the way for the bizarre Broadway sensation 'Death: The Musical.'. Fact: Did you know that life insurance was originally intended as a way to fund your funeral? Talk about planning ahead!.
• Headline: Angell's Bold Stance Against Taxation. Impact: Angell's tirade against high taxes sparked a nationwide movement, leading to an underground economy where people started bartering their old socks for groceries. This ultimately culminated in the great Sock Exchange of 2045, where socks were traded like stocks.. Fact: High taxes are like that obnoxious friend who always shows up uninvited—no matter how much you try to avoid them, they always find a way back into your life!.
• Headline: Growing Labor Struggles and Nazi Violence. Impact: The increasing violence against labor in Europe led to a series of worker uprisings across the globe, culminating in the infamous 'Sock Puppet Revolution' of 2027, where laborers used puppets to express their grievances. It was both adorable and effective.. Fact: The A.F. of L. once debated whether socks or sandwiches were more vital to a laborer's survival. Spoiler alert: they went with socks..
• Headline: Cotton Interest Limit Set.. Impact: Setting limits on cotton interest led to a bizarre chain of events where people began hoarding cotton like it was gold. This cotton craze eventually sparked the Great Pillow Fight of 2029, leaving cities in chaos.. Fact: Cotton was once so valuable that people traded their entire life savings for a single T-shirt. Luckily, that trend has died down… or has it?.
• Headline: MRS. FETTEROFF TO WED.; To Become the Bride of Albert E. Kennedy, Philadel]3hia Lawyer.. Impact: Mrs. Fetteroff's engagement led to a viral trend of extravagant wedding announcements, which ultimately resulted in a reality TV show where couples competed for the most over-the-top wedding. Spoiler: it was a disaster, and the couples were never heard from again.. Fact: In the grand scheme of things, wedding announcements have been around longer than most marriages. It's like a preview of a movie that never gets made!.
• Headline: Noblesse Oblige.. Impact: The auto violations of Roosevelt's sons became a rallying cry for future generations of rebellious teens who finally had a justification for their own reckless driving. This led to the founding of 'Teenage Driving Insurrections Anonymous' in 2040.. Fact: Noblesse Oblige loosely translates to 'nobility obliges,' which is a fancy way of saying that rich people can get away with anything. Thanks, privilege!.
• Headline: MARGARET AITCHISON NEW ROCHELLE BRIDE; Married in Presbyterian Church go Latham Jeffress, Also of Westchester Family.. Impact: Margaret Aitchison's wedding to Latham Jeffress prompted a wave of 'who wore it best' debates across social media platforms that didn't even exist yet, leading to the eventual creation of the 'Wedding Critics Guild' in 2035.. Fact: Weddings have a 100% success rate of creating awkward family reunions. So, if you're planning one, don't forget to invite the drama!.
• Headline: RUTGERS UPHOLDS BERGEL DISMISSAL; Trustees Approve All Findings of Committee That Sifted Anti-Nazi's Charge.. Impact: Rutgers' decision to uphold Bergel's dismissal sparked a movement for academic freedom that eventually led to students demanding the right to wear pajamas to class—an ongoing battle of epic proportions.. Fact: Academic freedom is just a fancy way of saying, 'We promise not to judge you for wearing flip-flops with socks.'.
• Headline: Resigns as Williams Trustee.. Impact: The resignation from Williams College set off a domino effect of trustees stepping down across the nation, leading to a sudden shortage of qualified decision-makers and an increase in cat memes as the preferred method of governance.. Fact: Resigning from a trustee position is like quitting a gym membership—you always feel a sense of relief until you realize you have no idea what to do next!.