OCTOBER 5, 1935

Full News Archive

• Headline: Buster Keaton's Divorce Announcement. Impact: Buster Keaton's divorce led to the creation of a secret society of silent film stars who vowed never to marry, thus ensuring that slapstick comedy remained the peak of cinematic expression, free from emotional entanglements. Fact: Did you know that Keaton's deadpan expression was actually his reaction to reading his own divorce papers? Talk about a silent cry for help!.
• Headline: Eleanor Dreyfus Announces Engagement. Impact: This engagement triggered a chain reaction among Barnard alumnae, leading to a sudden surge in matchmaking services, and eventually to the creation of the phrase 'I went to Barnard, what’s your excuse?' as a form of elitist banter. Fact: Fun fact: Eleanor's engagement ring was rumored to be so big that it had its own zip code. Who knew love came with a property tax?.
• Headline: Excitement Builds for Park Regatta. Impact: The readiness of the park regatta blinks led to the invention of the modern-day rowing competition, which eventually inspired every team-building retreat that forced coworkers to bond over soggy sandwiches and competitive paddling. Fact: Did you know that the term 'regatta' actually derives from the Italian word 'regata,' which means to 'get your boat stuck in the mud while everyone laughs at you'?.
• Headline: STATE BANKING RULINGS.; Metropolitan Savings to Move -- County Deposit to Shift Branch.. Impact: This mundane banking shuffle caused a ripple effect that led to the rise of online banking, as people everywhere sought to escape the monotony of moving money from one place to another with an actual physical effort. Fact: Did you know that 'Metropolitan Savings' was originally going to be named 'Boring Bank,' but they figured that wouldn’t attract many customers?.
• Headline: Goode Heads Saints and Sinners.. Impact: J.C. Goode's ascension to leadership created a rift between saints and sinners, leading to an underground movement where the two sides would compete in bake-offs rather than brawls. Who knew cupcakes could solve centuries of conflict?. Fact: Ironically, Goode's biggest challenge was convincing the 'sinners' that adding kale to their brownies was a good idea. Spoiler: it wasn't.
• Headline: VITAL POINT SURROUNDED; Fall of Adowa Is Likely Today Though Big Force Is There.. Impact: The potential fall of Adowa not only changed the course of Ethiopian history, but also inspired a generation of war poets who would later write extensively about the futility of fighting over real estate. Fact: The Battle of Adowa was so significant that it led to the phrase 'You can’t always get what you want,' which was later popularized by a band that had clearly never been to a real estate meeting.
• Headline: ROTTERDAM TO GET SALVAGE TEST TODAY; Power Equivalent to 56 Tugs Will Be Used in Effort to Pull Liner Off Reef.. Impact: The desperate attempt to salvage the liner sparked a global fascination with marine salvage operations, leading to the rise of reality TV shows featuring treasure hunters who never find anything worth keeping. Fact: The power of 56 tugs is basically just a really dramatic way of saying, 'Oops, we misplaced a boat.'.
• Headline: CHURCH ACTIVITIES OF INTEREST IN CITY; Loyalty Day Services Will Start Today -- Pastor's Group to Mark Anniversary.. Impact: The anniversary celebration inadvertently led to the establishment of Loyalty Day, which later became a major holiday where people are legally required to pretend they actually like each other and their pastor's sermons. Fact: Ironically, the only thing more loyal than the church-goers on Loyalty Day is their commitment to ignoring the pastor’s attempts at humor.