SEPTEMBER 21, 1935

Full News Archive

• Headline: Decline in Paralysis Cases Noted. Impact: The decrease in paralysis cases led to a sudden surge in people deciding against their New Year's resolutions of 'being more active.' Turns out, a lack of paralysis doesn't guarantee a love for jogging.. Fact: Paralysis rates can vary greatly depending on the season. Who knew that winter could be so advantageous for the legs?.
• Headline: Centenary Exposition in Porto Alegre Opens. Impact: The fair in Porto Alegre not only celebrated a war but also inadvertently inspired the world's largest collection of poorly designed souvenir mugs, which continue to haunt thrift stores to this day.. Fact: Porto Alegre is known for its vibrant culture, but this exposition may have been the world's first attempt at making war sound like a fun day out..
• Headline: Italy's Hesitation Amidst War Threat. Impact: Italy's waffling on war led to an unexpected spike in pasta exports; if they weren't fighting, they might as well be cooking. This culinary decision would later inspire countless Italian restaurants worldwide.. Fact: When in doubt, Italians have often preferred to resolve issues over a hearty plate of spaghetti rather than through warfare. Who could blame them?.
• Headline: TROTH ANNOIJNCED OF MISS NICKERSON; Prominent Sculptor Will Be Wed to Edmund Greacen Jr. -- His Father Noted Artist.. Impact: The engagement announcement of Miss Nickerson and Edmund Greacen Jr. caused a minor ripple in the artist community, resulting in the creation of at least three mediocre sculptures dedicated to love that no one remembers.. Fact: They say love is an art, but in this case, it was more like a school project that someone forgot to hand in..
• Headline: FARLEY CHALLENGES STATE REPUBLICANS ON CAMPAIGN ISSUES; Offers to Fight Coming Battle on Either Local or National Questions.. Impact: Farley's challenge to Republicans sparked a series of endless debates that led to the invention of the phrase 'talking heads'—a fitting name for politicians who love to hear themselves speak.. Fact: The only thing more predictable than campaign promises is the subsequent disappointment when those promises are inevitably broken. Surprise!.
• Headline: THE DANGER OF NATIONALISM.; Demand for Self-Sufficiency Viewed as Tendency to War.. Impact: The warning against nationalism inadvertently paved the way for the rise of the 'self-sufficient avocado toast' movement—because who needs trade when you can grow your own overpriced brunch?. Fact: Self-sufficiency sounds great until you realize it means you’ll be eating nothing but kale and quinoa for the rest of your life..
• Headline: Olin Victor by Knockout.. Impact: Olin's knockout victory caused a chain reaction in the boxing world where every fighter suddenly believed they could become the next champion, leading to a spike in training injuries and reality show auditions.. Fact: Knockouts in boxing are like bad decisions at a party; they happen more often than you'd think, and everyone has a story to tell about it..
• Headline: Registration Rule Revised.. Impact: The revised registration rule created a massive influx of paperwork that led to the invention of the first 'official bureaucratic paper shuffle' dance, which remains a classic at office parties.. Fact: Red tape may not be the latest dance craze, but it sure has a way of making everything a lot slower and more tedious..
• Headline: Let Independence Be Our Boast.'. Impact: The call for independence led to a sudden spike in potato-based dishes, ensuring that the world would never underestimate the power of a good fry—truly, a culinary revolution.. Fact: Potatoes have been a symbol of independence for centuries; just ask any Irish person who's ever had to defend their love for mashed potatoes..
• Headline: Columbia Greets 500 Freshmen As Prelude to Opening Wednesday; New Students Taken on Tour of the University and Hear Talks by Faculty and Alumni -- Class, Chosen From 2,000, Represents Most States.. Impact: Welcoming 500 freshmen at Columbia marked the beginning of many future college crises, including the invention of the phrase 'What was I thinking?' echoing through dorms for generations.. Fact: Freshman orientation is essentially a rite of passage; it's where you learn how to survive on caffeine and ramen noodles while pretending to be an adult..