SEPTEMBER 19, 1935

Full News Archive

• Headline: Federal Lodges for Transients to Close. Impact: The sudden closure of these lodges led to a nationwide shortage of affordable sleeping arrangements, which inadvertently birthed the trend of 'couch surfing.' Little did they know, this would evolve into an entire subculture of sharing spaces—and the eventual rise of Airbnb, where you can now pay to sleep on someone’s couch in style!. Fact: Despite the government's cost-cutting measures, the most expensive sleeping arrangement remains the one where you wake up on your friend's couch after a wild night out.
• Headline: Adoption Trends Favor Girls Over Boys. Impact: This preference for girls in adoption led to a series of catastrophic events, including a surge in boys forming a secret society to plot their revenge against the unfairness of adoption. Fast forward a few decades, and we have the rise of the 'Bro Code'—all thanks to a few boys waiting for homes. Fact: Turns out, the preference for girls in adoptions was not just a dating strategy; it was rooted in a belief that girls are easier to raise—because who wouldn't want a tiny human who can learn to do their own makeup?.
• Headline: Geneva's Proposal for Ethiopian Development. Impact: The attempt at imposing 'advisers' on Ethiopia eventually led to an outbreak of ‘unwanted consultants’ everywhere. Now, everyone claims to be an expert on something, thanks to this ill-fated venture. Fact: Ethiopia, once a land of kings, ended up with so many foreign advisers that it briefly considered changing its name to ‘Consultantopia’.
• Headline: TRANSFER OF ENVOYS EXPECTED IN GERMANY; Ambassador to Paris Wants to Quit -- Dr. von Stauss Said to Be Slated for a Post.. Impact: This diplomat's stress-induced departure from his post inadvertently led to a series of questionable diplomatic decisions that would later culminate in awkward international dinners, where everyone pretended to like the food. Fact: Diplomats switching posts are akin to kids switching seats on a school bus—everyone still ends up in the same mess, just with slightly different views.
• Headline: THE HOOD AT GIBRALTAR; Ten Other Crack Vessels of the British Fleet Reach the Strait.. Impact: The arrival of the British fleet sparked a naval arms race where countries scrambled to show off their naval prowess. This eventually led to the invention of the world's largest 'floaties'—you know, just in case. Fact: The Hood was so impressive that it inspired countless naval-themed birthday parties, where cake was served alongside tiny toy ships—because nothing says 'happy birthday' like naval warfare!.
• Headline: Eiffel Tower to Be Used For a Television Station. Impact: This decision transformed the Eiffel Tower from a romantic symbol to a glorified antenna. It paved the way for future tourism where people would pay to see the view—while secretly judging the TV shows broadcasted from it. Fact: You can now say you’ve been towered over by both love and bad reality TV—thanks, Eiffel Tower!.
• Headline: MEXICO DISARMS DEPUTIES; Usual Pistols Absent at Session of Chamber After Killings.. Impact: Disarming deputies in light of violence changed the political landscape, leading to a new era of parliamentary debates that were much more civil—until someone yelled 'fire!' to distract from the actual issues. Fact: In an ironic twist, the disarmament led to deputies resorting to throwing pens at each other—because nothing says ‘debate’ like a good old-fashioned ink fight.
• Headline: AUDIENCE PROTESTS AT FILM BREAKDOWN; Police Called to Subdue 500 in Brooklyn Movie as Sound Apparatus Gives Out.. Impact: This protest led to a chain reaction where cinema-goers began demanding refunds and free popcorn, eventually leading to the birth of the 'complaining consumer'—a breed that’s only grown louder over the years. Fact: The angry mob in Brooklyn was the precursor to today's social media outrage culture, where people still protest loudly, but now they just do it with hashtags instead of popcorn.
• Headline: HERZOG URGES FUNDS FOR WPA UP-STATE; He Meets Regional Aides to Tell Them of Duties, but Says Allotments Must Be Awaited.. Impact: Herzog's speech ignited a funding frenzy that led to the creation of numerous bureaucratic positions—because who doesn’t want to sit around and wait for money to trickle in?. Fact: The wait for WPA funds became the inspiration for countless memes about procrastination—because nothing says 'government efficiency' like waiting for a check that may never arrive.
• Headline: COMMUNISTS SEEK THIRD PARTY IN '36; Group Works to Strengthen Farmer-Labor Organization for a Realignment.. Impact: The Communist pursuit of a third party led to a political tug-of-war that resulted in the eventual merging of political ideologies, creating the infamous 'Confused Voter' syndrome that plagues elections to this day. Fact: The only thing more complicated than the political landscape during the '36 elections? The number of ways people can misinterpret the word 'socialist' at cocktail parties.