SEPTEMBER 6, 1935

Full News Archive

• Headline: Alexander and Shiman Engagement Announcement. Impact: If Alexander hadn't gotten engaged, who knows? Maybe the chain of events would have led to the invention of a time machine by someone who realized they were forever alone. You're welcome, future generations.. Fact: Did you know that engagement rings were once used as a form of payment? Congratulations, Alexander, you're now in debt for love!.
• Headline: Carlyon Arms Auction Marks Historic Closure. Impact: As the Carlyon Arms sold its furniture, the ripple effect caused a nationwide trend of hipster cafes using vintage decor. So basically, thank you for the rise of overpriced lattes served in old teacups.. Fact: In times past, hotels like the Carlyon Arms were the height of luxury. Now, they’re just fodder for Instagram influencers seeking 'authenticity'..
• Headline: Engagement of M Gibney in 1935. Impact: The engagement of GibneCbel may have sparked a chain reaction, leading to hundreds of couples deciding to use hyphenated surnames, resulting in the most complicated family trees in history. Good luck untangling that!. Fact: Hyphenated names: because who doesn't want to spend extra time spelling their last name at Starbucks?.
• Headline: Duke Buys Engagement Ring.. Impact: The purchase of an engagement ring by Duke likely set off a global trend of exorbitantly priced jewelry, leading to the financial ruin of countless romantics. Cheers to love and debt!. Fact: Engagement rings were initially just a way to remind men how much they owe their partners, financially and emotionally..
• Headline: Granite City Steel at 50%. Impact: As Granite City Steel operates at half capacity, this could very well lead to a chain reaction of 'Eh, good enough' attitudes in manufacturing, paving the way for the rise of IKEA furniture assembly.. Fact: Operating at 50%? Sounds like my motivation level on a Monday morning!.
• Headline: ShaheenHintlemann.. Impact: This engagement might have inspired future generations to create increasingly complex and unpronounceable names, ensuring that every family gathering becomes a linguistic challenge.. Fact: ShaheenHintlemann: because why have a simple name when you can have a mouthful?.
• Headline: WADSWORTH FIGHTS AAA.; Hints Court Action in Grange Day Speech at Rochester.. Impact: This confrontation could have ignited a series of legal battles that led to the establishment of a whole new field of study: 'How to Argue with Bureaucracy 101'.. Fact: Wadsworth's speech was probably the most exciting thing that happened at Grange Day, which is saying something!.
• Headline: Party by Republican Women.. Impact: The planning of this tea party might have sparked a national trend of political gatherings that prioritize pastries over policies, leading to the inevitable rise of cupcake diplomacy.. Fact: Because nothing says 'serious political discourse' like a nice cup of Earl Grey and some dainty finger sandwiches!.
• Headline: NEW ARCTIC ISLAND MAY AID AIR ROUTE; Land Named for Ushakoff, Head of Expedition, Believed to Be Part of Archipelago.. Impact: The discovery of this new island could have inadvertently led to an influx of tourism, which may one day result in a reality show titled 'Survivor: Arctic Edition'.. Fact: Naming an island after yourself? That's one way to ensure your ego is as vast as the ocean surrounding it!.