AUGUST 27, 1935

Full News Archive

• Headline: Continental Steel's Impressive Profit Surge. Impact: The profit surge at this steel concern led to a nationwide obsession with steel as the backbone of American infrastructure, eventually resulting in the creation of the ultimate man cave: 'Steel City.'. Fact: Fun fact: $481,978 back then could buy you a small country. Or at least a very nice set of garden gnomes..
• Headline: Hayward Maintains Lead in Air Derby. Impact: Hayward's lead in the air derby sparked a national craze for air races, resulting in countless backyard 'airports' that were just glorified launch pads for paper airplanes.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more predictable than Hayward winning was all the dads showing up in their best aviator sunglasses, pretending they were in a Top Gun sequel?.
• Headline: PRISONER 5 WEEKS, KITTEN IS FREED; Police, Firemen, A.S.P.C.A. Cut Through House Wall in Harrison, N.J., for Rescue.. Impact: Pinky the kitten's dramatic rescue became a rallying point for animal rights activists, eventually leading to the creation of a national holiday dedicated to pets stuck in small spaces—because apparently, that was a pressing issue.. Fact: Did you know that this kitten’s rescue led to a 200% increase in 'Kitten in a Tight Spot' memes? Yeah, the internet really took that and ran with it..
• Headline: TREASURY TO DRAW FUNDS; $40,326,700 of Its Deposits Will Be Repaid on Thursday.. Impact: The withdrawal of nearly $40 million from the Treasury caused a ripple effect in the banking system, leading to a temporary panic and the creation of the first 'Emergency Withdrawal' brunch—because nothing says crisis like mimosas.. Fact: Fun fact: In today's money, that $40,326,700 would be enough to fund an entire season of reality TV—because priorities..
• Headline: STOCK EXCHANGE NOTES.. Impact: The request for permanent registration under the Securities Act marked the beginning of endless paperwork that would haunt stockbrokers for decades, ultimately leading to the invention of coffee IV drips.. Fact: Did you know that this was the moment brokers realized they could make even more money by charging you to read the fine print? Welcome to capitalism!.
• Headline: TWO RARE PAINTINGS IN WESTCHESTER LOOT; Work of Irish Artist of 17th Century Stolen at Home of Mrs. Helen Hirshon.. Impact: The theft of two rare paintings led to a black market for art that still exists today, resulting in unsanctioned art shows in basements where people pretend they know the difference between 'abstract' and 'a mess.'. Fact: Did you know that those paintings were worth more than my college education? And they didn’t even require me to memorize the periodic table..
• Headline: Jury List Change Urged.. Impact: The push to change jury lists initiated a series of bureaucratic reforms that resulted in people actually caring about civic duty—until they realized how inconvenient it was to show up.. Fact: Did you know that this change led to the creation of the first-ever 'Jury Duty Support Group'? Turns out, it's just a bunch of people complaining about their day off..
• Headline: HIGH SEAS FROM BERMUDA; Heavy Surf on Long Island Shore Laid to Recent Hurricane.. Impact: The heavy surf from Bermuda became a yearly reminder of nature’s wrath, leading to the popularization of beach vacations that invariably end with everyone getting sunburned and arguing over sunscreen.. Fact: Did you know that most people only remember hurricanes when they mess up their beach plans? Priorities, people!.
• Headline: WINANT TO SAIL HOME TO TAKE UP NEW POST; Social Security Head Says Work With ILO Will Help Him in Social Security Job.. Impact: Winant’s new post in Social Security became a catalyst for debates on welfare that would echo through the ages, eventually resulting in countless family dinners turning into shouting matches about taxes.. Fact: Did you know that in his new role, Winant probably discovered that dealing with Social Security is like herding cats? Except the cats are all named 'Bureaucracy' and they refuse to listen..