AUGUST 21, 1935

Full News Archive

• Headline: Olympic's Collision with U-Boat. Impact: If the Olympic hadn't rammed that U-Boat, perhaps future Olympic athletes would have spent their time training for underwater wrestling rather than swimming. Imagine a world where the Olympic sport of 'U-Boat wrestling' becomes the highlight of the games.. Fact: It's rumored that the U-Boat captain was just trying to get a better view of the synchronized swimming competition..
• Headline: NY State Seeks Federal Funds for Projects. Impact: This funding request led to countless bureaucratic nightmares, which eventually birthed the term 'red tape.' In a twist of fate, an overworked clerk might have misfiled the paperwork, causing a 10-year delay in the construction of a bridge – which is why your GPS now routes you through the middle of nowhere.. Fact: In today's world, $375,288 could buy you approximately three avocado toasts and a decent cup of coffee in Manhattan..
• Headline: RELIEF ARTISTS HANG HIGH SCHOOL MURALS; Julia Richman Panels, Covering 2,000 Square Feet, Depict Map of the World.. Impact: These murals inspired a generation of artists to paint on walls instead of canvases, leading to the rise of graffiti art. Meanwhile, the high school students just wanted to know when they could paint over it with a giant 'Save the Whales' message.. Fact: The map of the world depicted in these murals would later become the most accurate representation of where teenagers would rather be: anywhere but school..
• Headline: MONKEY REVIVAL HALTED.; Hollywood Prosecutor Warns Chemist Tests Must Be Sponsored. Impact: Had this monkey revival not been halted, we may have ended up with a new trend in animal testing where monkeys became the next big Hollywood actors. Think of the movie deals and monkey red carpets!. Fact: The main character in the proposed movie was supposed to be named 'Dr. Monkey Genius,' but alas, we’ll never know how many Oscars he would have won..
• Headline: BY WHAT IT FEEDS ON.. Impact: This headline foreshadows a world where intolerance and oppression become increasingly normalized, eventually inspiring a series of movements that would ironically make people more intolerant of intolerance. It's a real head-spinner!. Fact: You know things are bad when the only thing that feeds on intolerance is the clickbait industry..
• Headline: RENEWS GANGSTER CHARGE; Santangello Insists Ex-Capone Aide Is Backing Rival.. Impact: Reviving gangster charges often leads to a resurgence of organized crime dramas on TV. By now, we should have a whole genre dedicated to 'Gangsters of the Past: The Musical.'. Fact: This rivalry probably sparked more drama than any daytime soap opera could ever hope to achieve..
• Headline: QOAK FIJHEIL FOR W. . POWELL; Associates of the Bar and in Civic and Educational' Fields Are Present.. Impact: With every funeral comes a wave of existential dread, which might have sparked a new philosophy movement. If only we had known how deep the conversations about life and death would go over the potato salad.. Fact: Funeral etiquette has changed so much that now, showing up without a side dish is considered a crime against humanity..
• Headline: PRESIDENT SPURS YOUTH RELIEF WORK; Tells State Directors Future of $50,000,000 'Experiment' Depends on Their Efforts.. Impact: The push for youth relief work led to the creation of countless youth organizations, many of which would later become the backdrop for reality TV spectacles. Thanks, President!. Fact: The $50,000,000 'Experiment' was actually just the president's attempt to fund a nationwide scavenger hunt..
• Headline: Scout Chief, Back From Europe, Found Our Boys Lead Them All; W.W. Head Ascribes This to Religious Freedom Clause in the Movement's Cobe -- Roosevelt to Make 'Jamboree' Address on Radio Tonight -- Mayor Will Greet 2,000 at Park Songfest.. Impact: This event solidified the importance of youth leadership, leading to a future where kids would start running for class president based solely on their TikTok followers. The Jamboree was merely the warm-up.. Fact: Roosevelt's radio address was so inspiring that it accidentally led to a generation of kids thinking they could actually make a living as camp counselors..