AUGUST 12, 1935

Full News Archive

• Headline: Bluefish Frenzy at Rockaway Beach. Impact: If those anglers hadn't caught those blues, who knows? Maybe a fish uprising was averted, saving humanity from a future ruled by intelligent aquatic overlords. Just imagine the fishy diplomacy!. Fact: Fishing: the only sport where you can sit in a boat all day and convince yourself it's an adventure. Good luck explaining that to non-angler friends!.
• Headline: Kapigian Triumphs in Armenian Tennis Finals. Impact: Kapigian's victory was a pivotal moment in tennis history. Had he lost, it could have set off a chain reaction leading to the rise of a completely alternate tennis world, where racquets are replaced by foam noodles!. Fact: Winning in tennis is like finding a parking spot: you only appreciate it when it happens to you.
• Headline: 12,000 Veterans in Parade.. Impact: With 12,000 veterans parading, the sheer spectacle may have inspired future generations to embrace marching as a form of exercise, leading to a global fitness craze. Who knew parades were the secret to a healthy lifestyle?. Fact: Parades: the only place where you can walk for hours, throw candy, and still end up in the same spot. Talk about a workout!.
• Headline: CHURCH SETS STANDARDS.; Rev. W. V. H. Davies Views It as Measure of Morality.. Impact: Rev. Davies' sermon might have led to a moral renaissance—or at least a decrease in questionable life choices, like wearing socks with sandals. It's a slippery slope!. Fact: Setting standards is great until you realize everyone has different definitions of 'acceptable.' Good luck with that, Rev!.
• Headline: Bryant Takes Net Final.. Impact: Bryant's win may have inadvertently inspired future generations to take up tennis, resulting in a worldwide tennis obsession—leading to the creation of entire nations dedicated to the sport. You never know!. Fact: Winning a tennis match is like playing chess at 100 miles per hour. Good luck keeping track of your thoughts!.
• Headline: Calls Strike "Sabotage.". Impact: Labeling the WPA strike as sabotage might have opened the floodgates for future casual accusations in politics, leading to a world where every disagreement is labeled as a 'conspiracy.'. Fact: Sabotage: the ultimate buzzword for when you just can't deal with the reality of someone else's choices.
• Headline: 92% OF OUR WORRIES CALLED NEEDLESS; List of Fears and Phobias Is Endless, Rev. E. E. Piper Says at St. Bartholomew's.. Impact: Rev. Piper's sermon about needless worries might have set off a chain reaction of people realizing their fears were as irrational as trying to pet a porcupine. Society was spared a lot of drama that day!. Fact: 92% of worries are needless? So, you're telling me I could've spent all that time binge-watching instead? Thanks a lot, Rev!.